I recently met up with a girl at a friends bar and we got into conversation about her boyfriend going overseas to study. Now going abroad is suppose to be fun and exciting especially since you're not going just for a short vacation. So, where's the problem here?
The relationship. What do you do? How is someone suppose to just end everything that they know or use to do with the person that they love or been going with for a long time? The relationship didn't die or even end at all but worse than that, it's on "hold". At the drop of a hat the person staying back surely must feel worse because they still see the same places they use to go to or remembers the things they did when seeing a loving couple on the street. Not to say that the one that left is not going to feel like that but because there's new and exciting stuff to do and see, don't expect them to be sobbing like you every night. Sad but true.
To be happy for the person is mixed with the feelings of sadness as well. Sometimes there may be the feelings and thoughts of a break up. This is normal. After all what can't be seen, can't be proven. There's thousands of miles between the two of you. It can get pretty lonely. Suspecting someone of betrayal is not proof that they did anything and you come across as someone that has no trust for the person you're involved with. Don't go down that path if you got nothing. You'll only be spear heading a break up itself. Unless he/she opens their mouth about a third party, you should have nothing to worry about. Maybe.
I once metthis girl, a customer, at my bar who was out almost every night with this guy. They were studying their Masters degree on a exchange programme for students. I believed that they were together because of all the fun, craziness and sexuality that they showed each other. However, just before she left, her real boyfriend came over for a holiday to be together with her and go back together. The other guy was nowhere to be seen but he did appear a week later, alone. I was told that it was just a fling that she instigated and it just flew from there. Well sometimes this sort of thing can happen. Not that it can't but you got to find trust in people somehow.
Back to this girl I met. She seemed down about the whole thing so I kept her company. She was with a few other girlfriends but it didn't seem to help. It's always good to get some moral support when in this sort of circumstances. She seemed more keen on getting my opinion as a guy about the whole thing. This guy had been gone for eight months now. All the calls and emails seem to have slowed down and sometimes there wasn't anything with big time gaps. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I really thought she lost him and it was going to be over soon. She said she was thinking about going over for a visit but I advised her against this. I told her it was a bad idea. I was personally thinking, if he's already involved with someone and if she went over unannounced, she'd be in store for a rude awakening. If you're in a far off land and know nobody, you might just think of the worse things to do to heal a broken heart.
We talked and drank. She kind of liked me, I guess. After a while she looked better. I think it's because she missed having a guy to talk to in a bar. Maybe it gave her some comfort or memories that she played out in her head that brought some peace. Maybe it was just some male company that she needed because she would lean into me during the conversation and blamed it on the not so loud music. I've been through that myself a long time ago so I understood her emotions and insecurities about what her guy was doing over there and what she was going through here. Also, the urges and craving of wanting to be touched, held, kissed or made love to in a long time, it's like a prison sentence given and you didn't do the crime yet you're paying with tears.
Eventually as the night went on, we talked about exchanging numbers. Her friend works at the bar so I said no because I knew I could always find her through the friend. So, no numbers given. We did have a good time and I believe she felt much better. She told me that she'd come around more often if I was there, gave me a quick hug and as I expected, a quick kiss on the lips. Pulling away, she had a big smile on her face as she thanked me for being her listening ear and shoulder to cry on. She left after and I got a lot of teasing from her friend about her. What do they know?
I see her love life going down the tubes. The relationship is almost over. The guy really should call her and tell her so. Making someone wait in limbo is wrong. Is he intending to just come back and dump her later? As a guy I tell you what he's up to. At the moment he's just keeping his options open in case the one over there doesn't work out in the end, then he's got someone to return to. Pretend that it was all because of the studies and exams that made things like that. She'll accept the flimsy excuse and go back with him and; worse of all, believe his bleeding heart story about how much he loves her and missed her when he was over there. She'll believe every word and he'll get her back. It's like committing murder and not getting caught. She'll just be so overjoyed that he's back that she'll have a brain freeze about everything else done. Damn, I should have exchanged numbers, f%&ked her myself.
Bar advice. I can always find her but the point is, it may or may not happen that way. It will be too late when he gets back in over two years time. We can't see what the future holds for us but sometimes we should take up the offer of what's here and now itself in front of us in the present.
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Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Breaking up at the holiday period
For couples, the romantic pressure can be intense. If that romance and happiness isn't truly felt, then staying together just for the sake of the holidays can feel dishonest and a breakup may be the best course in the long run .
For those suffering heart break during the season of peace, love and joy, there are ways to do it gracefully. It's not going to be painless for either party, but by preparing yourself and doing your best to preserve your dignity and your partner's, you can get through it. Here's some ways.
Arrange for a time when you know you won't be disturbed and a quiet place to meet. Do not choose a public place. Respect your partner's dignity by meeting with them in a location where they can be free to express their emotions. Just doing it on the phone is not a good way. The face to face way tells them that you're sorry it isn't working out.
Let your partner know ahead of time there is something important you want to talk about, so they'll be able to psychologically prepare.
It's good to begin with or include the positives of the relationship. Let your partner know what their good qualities are and how being with them has enriched your life. Telling them the truth is best. Also, tell them the reason for not continuing with the relationship.
Don't play the blame game. When explaining your reasons for breaking it off, try to phrase the issues in terms of what your needs are as opposed to what your partner lacks or hasn't done. Hopefully, you will already have discussed these issues, so they won't come as a total surprise to the other person.
In the same vein, take responsibility for your own shortcomings. Perhaps point out that you need time to work on them as well. Getting involved with someone then breaking it off is unfair to the person that was sincere in their intentions.
Being a good listener will help you immensely during this difficult moment. Expect that there will be strong emotions and possibly even accusations. Try not to react (after all, you're the one who is doing the breaking up). Just listen.
Accept that you may not be able to make things right with your partner in one sitting. It's good to set a time limit beforehand, so that you don't get sucked into an all-nighter, but be open to further conversations down the line. Be kind, considerate and gentle.
Consider in advance whether you yourself will need extra support, and what kind of support that would be.
Although you may be breaking off the relationship, this doesn't necessarily mean that you are henceforward cutting off all contact with the person. If you've been seeing someone for a relatively short time, it may take just one more short conversation. If there are possessions to split, it could take weeks and if there are children involved, it could take many months or even years.
In addition, because it's the holiday season, the person may still feel the need to speak with you after the split to work through things. Let compassion be your guide during this sensitive time. It's important to be open to some continued contact, but try to keep a time limit on conversations. While you want to do your best to help your partner move on, you have to move on, too.
I certainly hope a breakup is not on your wish-list this holiday season, but if it is, strength tempered with respect and kindness are the qualities that will sustain you and hopefully allow both you and your partner a fresh start in the New Year.
Bar advice. Breaking things off is hard but because you may not be sure of yourself may drive you to it. Sometimes it leads people back together when they take a back step and return.
For those suffering heart break during the season of peace, love and joy, there are ways to do it gracefully. It's not going to be painless for either party, but by preparing yourself and doing your best to preserve your dignity and your partner's, you can get through it. Here's some ways.
Arrange for a time when you know you won't be disturbed and a quiet place to meet. Do not choose a public place. Respect your partner's dignity by meeting with them in a location where they can be free to express their emotions. Just doing it on the phone is not a good way. The face to face way tells them that you're sorry it isn't working out.
Let your partner know ahead of time there is something important you want to talk about, so they'll be able to psychologically prepare.
It's good to begin with or include the positives of the relationship. Let your partner know what their good qualities are and how being with them has enriched your life. Telling them the truth is best. Also, tell them the reason for not continuing with the relationship.
Don't play the blame game. When explaining your reasons for breaking it off, try to phrase the issues in terms of what your needs are as opposed to what your partner lacks or hasn't done. Hopefully, you will already have discussed these issues, so they won't come as a total surprise to the other person.
In the same vein, take responsibility for your own shortcomings. Perhaps point out that you need time to work on them as well. Getting involved with someone then breaking it off is unfair to the person that was sincere in their intentions.
Being a good listener will help you immensely during this difficult moment. Expect that there will be strong emotions and possibly even accusations. Try not to react (after all, you're the one who is doing the breaking up). Just listen.
Accept that you may not be able to make things right with your partner in one sitting. It's good to set a time limit beforehand, so that you don't get sucked into an all-nighter, but be open to further conversations down the line. Be kind, considerate and gentle.
Consider in advance whether you yourself will need extra support, and what kind of support that would be.
Although you may be breaking off the relationship, this doesn't necessarily mean that you are henceforward cutting off all contact with the person. If you've been seeing someone for a relatively short time, it may take just one more short conversation. If there are possessions to split, it could take weeks and if there are children involved, it could take many months or even years.
In addition, because it's the holiday season, the person may still feel the need to speak with you after the split to work through things. Let compassion be your guide during this sensitive time. It's important to be open to some continued contact, but try to keep a time limit on conversations. While you want to do your best to help your partner move on, you have to move on, too.
I certainly hope a breakup is not on your wish-list this holiday season, but if it is, strength tempered with respect and kindness are the qualities that will sustain you and hopefully allow both you and your partner a fresh start in the New Year.
Bar advice. Breaking things off is hard but because you may not be sure of yourself may drive you to it. Sometimes it leads people back together when they take a back step and return.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Jungle fever
What does it take for someone to see beyond the colour. The race and the backgrounds. The social standings. The religion. We live in a society, or should I say world, that frowns on interracial marriages or togetherness. Even today it is sometimes difficult and not accepted.
To change the mindset of others is hard but those that are lying in the same familiar bed of loneliness look at people differently. If anyone saw the movie Jungle fever they would know that love doesn't see all the boundaries that people place in this world. When one finds that someone special in life who is it that has the right to stop you. People don't just go out looking for someone different than them. It just happens.
This may cause people to look at them differently. Make nasty remarks. Cause problems. Even abuse. Why do people have to act this way? Wouldn't it be better if people could just change. In India the caste system that's been around looks like it's long gone but people still behave intolerantly at those of a lower status. In Muslim countries they don't accept even those that are of different ethnic backgrounds. The shame of it all.
My sister had a Muslim girlfriend that married a Hindu husband but the family rejected her. She was banished from her home and family. That's the Muslim way. Today she's well and has two kids and the husband takes care of all of them. A loss for her original family. This happens all over the world and with all sorts of obstacles for those just looking for love. Imagine what it would be like if there was more acceptance and understanding from families, people and society.
Recently I got to know this girl that's Chinese and she's been in relationships that didn't work out. She's been to the US and said she's been with Thai, American and British guys. Now she's back and seems to be looking, after a recent break up with a local boyfriend, for someone special. It may be age or loneliness but it may just be a case of not finding the right one and the right one may not be the normal stream of things or persons. I haven't met her as yet but she seems to like the blog and all that I got to say in it.
Jungle love is the coming together of people that are different. Finding solace in the arms of someone that others may look upon as odd or wrong but it doesn't mean it is. We all just want to know that we are cared for. Will someone be there to hold your hand if you're sick? Will you be alone till death? Is there someone that can love you more unconditionally than the house dog? Don't you also deserve to have what you see others having everyday. Sure, you may not be able to have kids or do certain things like pole dancing but you get the joy of the another human being loving you back. No it's not hard to be open to the possibility that you can find love elsewhere. That's just the point. Be more open. Do not and I stress again, do not care what others say.
This is your life. No one else, not parents, friends of strangers are suppose to stop you from finding true love and happiness. Fight for what your heart desires. The more people see this happening the more people will change. In fact you may surprise yourself when you find that you see life in the many different ways that you never thought possible. Opening your heart to a different sort of person is just the same as anyone else. Also, the person you're with has also got to have the same moral values and is proud to be in the relationship with you. Working things out and ironing out the issues of your relationship will bring you closer together. Making errors is part of it but acceptance of each others differences is what will mould and eventually become the bond. Strengthening it and will break others that ridicule both of you.
For all those that are ready to take the chance, jump in with both feet, go for it. Make the decision to take your life into your own hands. There should be no such thing as being too young, not making the right choice or being in a mid life crisis that should stop you. Make hay when the sun shines is the saying so do just that. What's holding you back when you can see that at the end of the tunnel there's the most beautiful rainbow that can fulfill you?
Bar Advice. It will be difficult but than again life is for everyone. Why should yours be any different? But it can be done.
To change the mindset of others is hard but those that are lying in the same familiar bed of loneliness look at people differently. If anyone saw the movie Jungle fever they would know that love doesn't see all the boundaries that people place in this world. When one finds that someone special in life who is it that has the right to stop you. People don't just go out looking for someone different than them. It just happens.
This may cause people to look at them differently. Make nasty remarks. Cause problems. Even abuse. Why do people have to act this way? Wouldn't it be better if people could just change. In India the caste system that's been around looks like it's long gone but people still behave intolerantly at those of a lower status. In Muslim countries they don't accept even those that are of different ethnic backgrounds. The shame of it all.
My sister had a Muslim girlfriend that married a Hindu husband but the family rejected her. She was banished from her home and family. That's the Muslim way. Today she's well and has two kids and the husband takes care of all of them. A loss for her original family. This happens all over the world and with all sorts of obstacles for those just looking for love. Imagine what it would be like if there was more acceptance and understanding from families, people and society.
Recently I got to know this girl that's Chinese and she's been in relationships that didn't work out. She's been to the US and said she's been with Thai, American and British guys. Now she's back and seems to be looking, after a recent break up with a local boyfriend, for someone special. It may be age or loneliness but it may just be a case of not finding the right one and the right one may not be the normal stream of things or persons. I haven't met her as yet but she seems to like the blog and all that I got to say in it.
Jungle love is the coming together of people that are different. Finding solace in the arms of someone that others may look upon as odd or wrong but it doesn't mean it is. We all just want to know that we are cared for. Will someone be there to hold your hand if you're sick? Will you be alone till death? Is there someone that can love you more unconditionally than the house dog? Don't you also deserve to have what you see others having everyday. Sure, you may not be able to have kids or do certain things like pole dancing but you get the joy of the another human being loving you back. No it's not hard to be open to the possibility that you can find love elsewhere. That's just the point. Be more open. Do not and I stress again, do not care what others say.
This is your life. No one else, not parents, friends of strangers are suppose to stop you from finding true love and happiness. Fight for what your heart desires. The more people see this happening the more people will change. In fact you may surprise yourself when you find that you see life in the many different ways that you never thought possible. Opening your heart to a different sort of person is just the same as anyone else. Also, the person you're with has also got to have the same moral values and is proud to be in the relationship with you. Working things out and ironing out the issues of your relationship will bring you closer together. Making errors is part of it but acceptance of each others differences is what will mould and eventually become the bond. Strengthening it and will break others that ridicule both of you.
For all those that are ready to take the chance, jump in with both feet, go for it. Make the decision to take your life into your own hands. There should be no such thing as being too young, not making the right choice or being in a mid life crisis that should stop you. Make hay when the sun shines is the saying so do just that. What's holding you back when you can see that at the end of the tunnel there's the most beautiful rainbow that can fulfill you?
Bar Advice. It will be difficult but than again life is for everyone. Why should yours be any different? But it can be done.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Arguing all the time
Hostile arguments harm your health. A stress response that makes your blood pressure stay high even after the argument is over. This, in turn, may damage your blood vessels and lead to clogged arteries, which can trigger a heart attack.
Women who argued with hostility had double the amount of clogged arteries and even worse clogs if their husbands were also hostile. Men who made domineering statements or had a wife who did had arteries that was double the times more clogged. What was causing all of these hostile arguments? Likely things that you have argued about as well. Some like in-laws, finances, intimate time and household chores.
Of course, there are deeper issues at play when you argue about practical matters. Key underlying causes of arguments, particularly among couples, include not feeling appreciated, needing more affection, not feeling respected, feeling insecure, built up resentments from the past(such as a forgotten birthday), feeling you’re carrying more of the responsibility/burden, resolving arguments for a peaceful and deep relationship and more.
Arguing all the time isn't good. Your relationship will probably always include disagreements, but the following tips will help to keep these disagreements on a superficial level so they make your relationship stronger instead of weaker.
Let go of wanting to be right. It’s easy to feel the need to defend your position to the end, but does it really matter who is right? Probably not. What matters is enjoying your relationship. See their point of view. By doing this you both can often resolve even long-standing disagreements. Be kind. Make an effort not to use hostile words, insults or hurtful comments. When you have a disagreement, think of it as a discussion, not an argument. A few kind words when you’re not arguing will also go a long way toward repairing your relationship. If you did something wrong, admit it. Take responsibility, apologize and move forward from there.
Bar Advice. One last but important thing. Say that you're sorry if you know that the other has been hurt by you. Heal the heart and the mind will follow.
Women who argued with hostility had double the amount of clogged arteries and even worse clogs if their husbands were also hostile. Men who made domineering statements or had a wife who did had arteries that was double the times more clogged. What was causing all of these hostile arguments? Likely things that you have argued about as well. Some like in-laws, finances, intimate time and household chores.
Of course, there are deeper issues at play when you argue about practical matters. Key underlying causes of arguments, particularly among couples, include not feeling appreciated, needing more affection, not feeling respected, feeling insecure, built up resentments from the past(such as a forgotten birthday), feeling you’re carrying more of the responsibility/burden, resolving arguments for a peaceful and deep relationship and more.
Arguing all the time isn't good. Your relationship will probably always include disagreements, but the following tips will help to keep these disagreements on a superficial level so they make your relationship stronger instead of weaker.
Let go of wanting to be right. It’s easy to feel the need to defend your position to the end, but does it really matter who is right? Probably not. What matters is enjoying your relationship. See their point of view. By doing this you both can often resolve even long-standing disagreements. Be kind. Make an effort not to use hostile words, insults or hurtful comments. When you have a disagreement, think of it as a discussion, not an argument. A few kind words when you’re not arguing will also go a long way toward repairing your relationship. If you did something wrong, admit it. Take responsibility, apologize and move forward from there.
Bar Advice. One last but important thing. Say that you're sorry if you know that the other has been hurt by you. Heal the heart and the mind will follow.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Moving on
I guess it's the same all over the world when it comes to people breaking up or divorce. They can't seem to be able to move on. Women especially have a really hard time.
There are days of tears and pain that the heart feels and a sense of loss. Lots of times the person that feels the worse may actually be the one that made the situation difficult. They may not even be aware that there was a problem till it was too late. Many guys make a fatal mistake by taking their partners for granted. they believe that even if they did something wrong they would be forgiven and all will be fine. Guys have been too pampered by their mothers to know what a wife or girlfriend really is.
Loosing sight that your partner as an individual will damage the relationship. Being upfront, honest and open minded that your partner is faithful to you and the relationship will stir both people in the right way. Letting him or her live their life while still being together is better than to smutter them with affection while restraining them all together. This makes the other person turn to deceptive methods of doing the things that they want to do and if found out will be explosive to the relationship.
Moving on after the relationship is over can be hard. Most people, especially women, find it difficult to trust another man again. It all depends on what they went through before and the cause of the split. Guys fear that the next girl will turn out to be the same, if not worse, than the first one. The sense of trust really will have been faded and there's no security blanket for a broken heart. Some go on for years alone after a break up and later find that it may be too late by the time their ready to hit the dating scene again.
The right choice for people would have to be a open dialogue between themselves so that all mistrust and misunderstandings are ironed out. The relationship should have certain goals and both will need to fulfill them. Expectations will need to be met as well. Communication must be constant and intentions need to be truthful. Following this will makes things better if you're moving on to a new person so you don't fall flat on your face again and your heart won't hurt as well.
Bar advice. Ask yourself, better still ask your partner, why you're in the relationship. The answers may surprise you.
There are days of tears and pain that the heart feels and a sense of loss. Lots of times the person that feels the worse may actually be the one that made the situation difficult. They may not even be aware that there was a problem till it was too late. Many guys make a fatal mistake by taking their partners for granted. they believe that even if they did something wrong they would be forgiven and all will be fine. Guys have been too pampered by their mothers to know what a wife or girlfriend really is.
Loosing sight that your partner as an individual will damage the relationship. Being upfront, honest and open minded that your partner is faithful to you and the relationship will stir both people in the right way. Letting him or her live their life while still being together is better than to smutter them with affection while restraining them all together. This makes the other person turn to deceptive methods of doing the things that they want to do and if found out will be explosive to the relationship.
Moving on after the relationship is over can be hard. Most people, especially women, find it difficult to trust another man again. It all depends on what they went through before and the cause of the split. Guys fear that the next girl will turn out to be the same, if not worse, than the first one. The sense of trust really will have been faded and there's no security blanket for a broken heart. Some go on for years alone after a break up and later find that it may be too late by the time their ready to hit the dating scene again.
The right choice for people would have to be a open dialogue between themselves so that all mistrust and misunderstandings are ironed out. The relationship should have certain goals and both will need to fulfill them. Expectations will need to be met as well. Communication must be constant and intentions need to be truthful. Following this will makes things better if you're moving on to a new person so you don't fall flat on your face again and your heart won't hurt as well.
Bar advice. Ask yourself, better still ask your partner, why you're in the relationship. The answers may surprise you.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Making the relationship last.
Have you ever wondered why some intimate relationships work and others don’t? Why so many of us seem to have the same relationships with a series of different people? Some people can easily find a mate while others struggle. Why? Is there a way you can accelerate the process of uncovering and living your natural loving way and making the relationship last?
The explanation for most vexing relationship questions is actually quite simple. The majority of our relationships, as well as our patterns of relating in general, are based on need rather than love. This is probably no surprise to you. However, it may surprise you that there is something you can do about it. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places.
Most of us are on a quest for love that amounts to trying to fill a leaky cup. Every time we appear to get love from an external source, especially from another person, it merely reinforces the belief that love can be found outside us. So, the feeling of receiving love or approval inherently has "leakage". This includes the fear of losing love, resentment towards the people we feel we need to get it from, and the simple act of looking away from the love that we, by nature, already are. Sometimes it's years of frustration during our youth at home that builds into a swell and when we don't get the love from the external source later or we find that the external source does the same things as home, we are devastated. We ask, "where is love".
Good news. You can turn each of these dilemmas around simply by letting go of wanting love or approval. You can also hasten the process by looking for mutual ways to love, as opposed to getting it, and mutual ways to give love, in addition to receiving it.
If you’re in any kind of an intimate relationship with a life partner, friend, or family member, and you can reach the point where you simply love the other person as he or she is, as best you can, then both of you can relax and be authentic with each other. This promotes much healthier, more satisfactory interactions. A fine example was when Steadman told Oprah that the wig she wore that resembled Tina Turner did not suit her. He said that none of her workers would dare say a thing but he had to because she wasn't Tina. She realized it and even on TV told this story to make a point that love means having the ability to say anything and the other person knows that they will never hurt them. Only help.
If the relationship is to last both sides have to ensure they are honest and truthful to the other. You don't need the approval of your partner on every issue but you need their counsel and concern. So to should you do the same for them in return.
Bar advice.We make mistakes at times but isn't it better to know the other person won't be there to judge you.
The explanation for most vexing relationship questions is actually quite simple. The majority of our relationships, as well as our patterns of relating in general, are based on need rather than love. This is probably no surprise to you. However, it may surprise you that there is something you can do about it. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places.
Most of us are on a quest for love that amounts to trying to fill a leaky cup. Every time we appear to get love from an external source, especially from another person, it merely reinforces the belief that love can be found outside us. So, the feeling of receiving love or approval inherently has "leakage". This includes the fear of losing love, resentment towards the people we feel we need to get it from, and the simple act of looking away from the love that we, by nature, already are. Sometimes it's years of frustration during our youth at home that builds into a swell and when we don't get the love from the external source later or we find that the external source does the same things as home, we are devastated. We ask, "where is love".
Good news. You can turn each of these dilemmas around simply by letting go of wanting love or approval. You can also hasten the process by looking for mutual ways to love, as opposed to getting it, and mutual ways to give love, in addition to receiving it.
If you’re in any kind of an intimate relationship with a life partner, friend, or family member, and you can reach the point where you simply love the other person as he or she is, as best you can, then both of you can relax and be authentic with each other. This promotes much healthier, more satisfactory interactions. A fine example was when Steadman told Oprah that the wig she wore that resembled Tina Turner did not suit her. He said that none of her workers would dare say a thing but he had to because she wasn't Tina. She realized it and even on TV told this story to make a point that love means having the ability to say anything and the other person knows that they will never hurt them. Only help.
If the relationship is to last both sides have to ensure they are honest and truthful to the other. You don't need the approval of your partner on every issue but you need their counsel and concern. So to should you do the same for them in return.
Bar advice.We make mistakes at times but isn't it better to know the other person won't be there to judge you.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Becoming friends instead of lovers
What happens when you fall into the "friends zone"? Guys tend to feel that after all the effort, feelings, money, time and so on that they put in that when she starts reacting to him more as a pal than a partner, it's a devastating blow.
So how did the relationship get poisoned into becoming a friendship in the first place? One reason may be that she he had gone out with her too often that she see him so much. This habit makes the other feel attached to the person without worry that other stirred feeling are happening. She doesn't want to be hurt so she feels safer in a friendship based relationship.
Sure there are exceptions where people have gone out with each other so much and so long, years even, and have got married but that is a minority group. My own sister is one such person. We are talking about the majority of people that fall into the friendship category because they have gone out more than four dates.
Why four? Well studies show that if by four dates you would pretty much figure out if you like the girl or not. It's different for women a little. For guys four is the magic key number. If you head into the fifth or sixth date, it's a amber light state. This could mean that she still likes you, not sure or she's comfortable going out with you but as a friend. Maybe she finds that she likes that you like the things she does, goes, eats and so on. Comfortable is not good in this instance. Why?
People trying to get to the phase of becoming a couple should be a little awkward, shy, apprehensive. When going out together with friends they should be more apart and hope to hold hands and such. Maybe a kiss at the end of the night. You don't go meeting someone on a date with a T-shirt and torn jeans with flip flops. That's a clear sign that she's only interested in being friends because she believes that you will understand and that she need not dress up for the date. If you're in that "comfort" situation and another guy comes along, be prepared to loose her.
At the end of the day you got to know if it's going to work out or not. It's more of the amount of energy in the date than the amount of dates itself. Working towards becoming a couple should be exciting. Once you get there, the friendship part will become part of it. The relationship is then merged with love, friendship and togetherness.
Bar advice. If you want the 'gal', don't make her your 'pal'.
So how did the relationship get poisoned into becoming a friendship in the first place? One reason may be that she he had gone out with her too often that she see him so much. This habit makes the other feel attached to the person without worry that other stirred feeling are happening. She doesn't want to be hurt so she feels safer in a friendship based relationship.
Sure there are exceptions where people have gone out with each other so much and so long, years even, and have got married but that is a minority group. My own sister is one such person. We are talking about the majority of people that fall into the friendship category because they have gone out more than four dates.
Why four? Well studies show that if by four dates you would pretty much figure out if you like the girl or not. It's different for women a little. For guys four is the magic key number. If you head into the fifth or sixth date, it's a amber light state. This could mean that she still likes you, not sure or she's comfortable going out with you but as a friend. Maybe she finds that she likes that you like the things she does, goes, eats and so on. Comfortable is not good in this instance. Why?
People trying to get to the phase of becoming a couple should be a little awkward, shy, apprehensive. When going out together with friends they should be more apart and hope to hold hands and such. Maybe a kiss at the end of the night. You don't go meeting someone on a date with a T-shirt and torn jeans with flip flops. That's a clear sign that she's only interested in being friends because she believes that you will understand and that she need not dress up for the date. If you're in that "comfort" situation and another guy comes along, be prepared to loose her.
At the end of the day you got to know if it's going to work out or not. It's more of the amount of energy in the date than the amount of dates itself. Working towards becoming a couple should be exciting. Once you get there, the friendship part will become part of it. The relationship is then merged with love, friendship and togetherness.
Bar advice. If you want the 'gal', don't make her your 'pal'.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Stop fighting in the relationship
We all have quarrels and such. We say things that are harsh, hurtful and degrading to our partners. If you're married this can be due to lots of outside forces that contribute to it. Work, bills, kids and so on. Singles that fight is normally due to insecurities of loosing the partner, to possibly betrayal or cheating. Many a times it's best to get out of those relationships either because it will lead to painful break ups or divorce in the future.
How then can someone make things better. First of all you got to search inside yourself to see if you got a mature level head on your shoulders. You got to ask yourself if marriage is the path that you want right now. When searching for a partner you must have the mindset of searching for love. You also got to be ready to share your love. The main thing is your intentions.
Is your intention set upon marriage, kids, family or are you also not sure what you want? When meeting someone you got to remember that the person surely must have had other people in their lives before and you are not the first. It is highly unlikely, but not impossible, that he/she is not a virgin and may have been with several people before. This generation seems to find it easy to do these things compared to older ones. It's like a normal acceptance. So don't complain and be restrictive to the other one because you got to remember that they had a life before you came along.
Surely they must have friends, family and colleagues that they go out with. Even people that may have slept with that are still friends. Remember that if both are positive and compatable in sorting out these insecurities, only then can there be a healthy and happy relationship.
Be it single or married, what are things that can be done?
Stop Blaming
While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. take a vacation from blame for a day. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you, keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.
Realization
Realize the price you are paying for these fights unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
Search for happiness
Choose to be happy rather than right. This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will not escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible. work out difference way before the commitment of marriage. If you're not ready, what make you think you're partner is?
Self worth
Build a strong sense of self worth. The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build it and treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this. Don't hold on to any grudges, pain, anger, suppression and so on because bottled up emotions will eventually explode to mega destructive forces.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives. Other people will seek your wisdom and help. This will give you and your partner even greater experience and appreciation that you are not in that situation.
Bar advice. Fighting is an emotion control that is not controlled. We have to make a change in ourselves to get the other to do the same. It get you nowhere but sorrow.
How then can someone make things better. First of all you got to search inside yourself to see if you got a mature level head on your shoulders. You got to ask yourself if marriage is the path that you want right now. When searching for a partner you must have the mindset of searching for love. You also got to be ready to share your love. The main thing is your intentions.
Is your intention set upon marriage, kids, family or are you also not sure what you want? When meeting someone you got to remember that the person surely must have had other people in their lives before and you are not the first. It is highly unlikely, but not impossible, that he/she is not a virgin and may have been with several people before. This generation seems to find it easy to do these things compared to older ones. It's like a normal acceptance. So don't complain and be restrictive to the other one because you got to remember that they had a life before you came along.
Surely they must have friends, family and colleagues that they go out with. Even people that may have slept with that are still friends. Remember that if both are positive and compatable in sorting out these insecurities, only then can there be a healthy and happy relationship.
Be it single or married, what are things that can be done?
Stop Blaming
While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. take a vacation from blame for a day. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you, keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.
Realization
Realize the price you are paying for these fights unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
Search for happiness
Choose to be happy rather than right. This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will not escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible. work out difference way before the commitment of marriage. If you're not ready, what make you think you're partner is?
Self worth
Build a strong sense of self worth. The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build it and treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this. Don't hold on to any grudges, pain, anger, suppression and so on because bottled up emotions will eventually explode to mega destructive forces.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives. Other people will seek your wisdom and help. This will give you and your partner even greater experience and appreciation that you are not in that situation.
Bar advice. Fighting is an emotion control that is not controlled. We have to make a change in ourselves to get the other to do the same. It get you nowhere but sorrow.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Getting her number
You guys out there are lame sometimes. Getting her number is a skill set all it's own. Most throwaway phone numbers are a result of the man getting the number too fast.
First of all, if you’re at a bar and meet a girl, don’t talk to her for only five minutes and then start getting her number and leave thinking you’re going to score. After all, what’s the point of getting a phone number in the first place. It's to meet up later and continue the seduction, right?
You had her right there at the bar, right then. You could have used that opportunity to build value with her right then. You were on a “date” with her right THEN but you didn't recognize it. So getting her number so that you can meet up with her later, and walking away from the interaction in the moment is totally counterproductive and nonsensical.
Also, if you start getting her number without going through the proper preliminary steps, then yes, the girl might be digging you, but in reality you didn’t have enough social value to her for her to want to start an ongoing, dating relationship with you.
A girl who with a social value of 8 might give her number to you if she perceives you to have a social value of 6 but that doesn’t mean she’ll follow up with you. Getting her numbers is only solid when you both have the same social value. What is this social value I'm talking about? Well, it's basically a persons standard in their relationship, dating, sex, love and self confidence. Where you stand with him or her and your compatibility can pretty much be discovered if you know what to look for. It will be a waste of time if you both are not suited for each other. Break ups can be hurtful. So unless you're just looking for hot sex without strings then aim low.
Guys, building a peak social value of 10 is not easy so work hard to get there. It's not you who should be worried if you're at that peak yet but it's how she sees you that counts. Will she be interested when you meet her or when you ask for her number. As time goes on and you start to develop better interaction skills and seduction methods so just beware of one thing. Don't blow it by thinking that you can get any girl and become a arrogant jack ass. Women will drop you like a stone if they see that sort of behaviour and if word starts getting around that you're like that you will have a hard time repairing the damage.
Developing those skills and nurturing your social value is a personal responsibility. Also, in the company of other guys you will be the dominant, stand out guy there if the rest are lacking. This gives you better chances with the ladies. Women will see it very clearly even if you don't. You'll be amazed that you can get more than a phone number.
Bar advice. When you just meet a girl, stick to a game plan. The last thing on your mind should be sex just because she gave you her phone number.
First of all, if you’re at a bar and meet a girl, don’t talk to her for only five minutes and then start getting her number and leave thinking you’re going to score. After all, what’s the point of getting a phone number in the first place. It's to meet up later and continue the seduction, right?
You had her right there at the bar, right then. You could have used that opportunity to build value with her right then. You were on a “date” with her right THEN but you didn't recognize it. So getting her number so that you can meet up with her later, and walking away from the interaction in the moment is totally counterproductive and nonsensical.
Also, if you start getting her number without going through the proper preliminary steps, then yes, the girl might be digging you, but in reality you didn’t have enough social value to her for her to want to start an ongoing, dating relationship with you.
A girl who with a social value of 8 might give her number to you if she perceives you to have a social value of 6 but that doesn’t mean she’ll follow up with you. Getting her numbers is only solid when you both have the same social value. What is this social value I'm talking about? Well, it's basically a persons standard in their relationship, dating, sex, love and self confidence. Where you stand with him or her and your compatibility can pretty much be discovered if you know what to look for. It will be a waste of time if you both are not suited for each other. Break ups can be hurtful. So unless you're just looking for hot sex without strings then aim low.
Guys, building a peak social value of 10 is not easy so work hard to get there. It's not you who should be worried if you're at that peak yet but it's how she sees you that counts. Will she be interested when you meet her or when you ask for her number. As time goes on and you start to develop better interaction skills and seduction methods so just beware of one thing. Don't blow it by thinking that you can get any girl and become a arrogant jack ass. Women will drop you like a stone if they see that sort of behaviour and if word starts getting around that you're like that you will have a hard time repairing the damage.
Developing those skills and nurturing your social value is a personal responsibility. Also, in the company of other guys you will be the dominant, stand out guy there if the rest are lacking. This gives you better chances with the ladies. Women will see it very clearly even if you don't. You'll be amazed that you can get more than a phone number.
Bar advice. When you just meet a girl, stick to a game plan. The last thing on your mind should be sex just because she gave you her phone number.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Avoid breaking up badly
We all agree it is compassionate to avoid hurting people’s feelings whenever possible. The “whenever possible” clause creates some confusion when ending a relationship, however. This is an inherently painful time for one or both parties.
Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then is necessary in these situations. Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.
There are no strict rules about how to end a relationship. However, a few tips can help when breaking up with someone.
Don’t be evasive, unclear or vague. Be direct and to the point. This is not an enjoyable matter for either of you. Giving false hope or making your partner guess at what you want prolongs everyone’s misery.
Do not break up in stages. You may think this will make the loss easier. Don’t fall for it. This only serves to administer low, medium and high doses of pain over a longer interval.
Don’t lie or invent a story. Things will not add up and the falsehood will be found out sooner or later, usually sooner. Getting over a break up is hard enough without introducing mistrust. Making someone piece together bits of information while leaving him/her to guess what is true, causes unnecessary pain.
Don’t blame someone or something else for your choices. Identifying and asking for what you want is an important developmental step and is necessary for mature relationships. Also, hiding behind excuses is pretty transparent. It is likely the other person will see what you are doing. Conversely, if he/she actually believes your excuse, the person will try and problem solve how to remove whatever relationship obstacle you’ve fabricated.
Don’t delay ending a relationship. Once you know you want to break up with someone, it does not help if you deny what you feel. Your partner will sense a change, perhaps reaching out for reassurance. This may feel like “neediness” to you which will increase your feelings of being stuck.
It's hard to end a relationship especially if several years have gone by. If you're leaving because of another man/woman then you are doomed to fail in the next one as well. People that break up after trying to find their purpose and intention with their partner and finding out that it isn't working are not deceiving their partner. The effort was put in but it seems that it's not working out and if the partner can see that you were genuine in the relationship and did all that you could, would understand even if it hurts. He/she knows in the heart that it is for the best.
Bar advide. Cry and sob to ease the pain but you know that it was better this way then fooling yourself and things end up worse later in life.
Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then is necessary in these situations. Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.
There are no strict rules about how to end a relationship. However, a few tips can help when breaking up with someone.
Don’t be evasive, unclear or vague. Be direct and to the point. This is not an enjoyable matter for either of you. Giving false hope or making your partner guess at what you want prolongs everyone’s misery.
Do not break up in stages. You may think this will make the loss easier. Don’t fall for it. This only serves to administer low, medium and high doses of pain over a longer interval.
Don’t lie or invent a story. Things will not add up and the falsehood will be found out sooner or later, usually sooner. Getting over a break up is hard enough without introducing mistrust. Making someone piece together bits of information while leaving him/her to guess what is true, causes unnecessary pain.
Don’t blame someone or something else for your choices. Identifying and asking for what you want is an important developmental step and is necessary for mature relationships. Also, hiding behind excuses is pretty transparent. It is likely the other person will see what you are doing. Conversely, if he/she actually believes your excuse, the person will try and problem solve how to remove whatever relationship obstacle you’ve fabricated.
Don’t delay ending a relationship. Once you know you want to break up with someone, it does not help if you deny what you feel. Your partner will sense a change, perhaps reaching out for reassurance. This may feel like “neediness” to you which will increase your feelings of being stuck.
It's hard to end a relationship especially if several years have gone by. If you're leaving because of another man/woman then you are doomed to fail in the next one as well. People that break up after trying to find their purpose and intention with their partner and finding out that it isn't working are not deceiving their partner. The effort was put in but it seems that it's not working out and if the partner can see that you were genuine in the relationship and did all that you could, would understand even if it hurts. He/she knows in the heart that it is for the best.
Bar advide. Cry and sob to ease the pain but you know that it was better this way then fooling yourself and things end up worse later in life.
Monday, July 2, 2007
If you had money would it bring you happiness?
Falling in love is usually rated as the strongest source of positive emotion. People report euphoria, excitement, affection, contentment, laughing. Research shows that the more sex someone has, the happier he or she is(for both men and women).
The stronger ties to friends someone has, the happier he or she is.Research shows again and again that the most important factor in happiness is having good interpersonal relations, with friends, family, and lovers.
At times it can seem paradoxical, because many of us think we can hardly wait to get home and be alone with nothing to do! Most guys think that having more money will make them happier. In fact, many put off meeting women and having a social life to
further their careers. Studies show people making $100,000 dollars are no happier than those making $30,000 dollars.
And studies show that guys making lots of money have no more sex or more sexual partners than guys living on a paycheck week to week, because they typically work longer hours, have less leisure time, and have more stress. I know what you're saying to yourself, "Give me lots of money and I'll show you I can be happy". Well here were not talking about someone striking the lottery or getting a in inheritance. Then again, what makes you think people that get that become happier?
In fact, study after study shows that it's the people who are alone with nothing to do who are typically the most unhappy. Almost universally, whether extroverted or introverted, people feel happier when they're with other people. BELONGING is a great
source of pleasure. We want to feel part of a group, whether it be with a lover, a set of friends, or a family. So being social and feeling content and happy go hand in hand. Happy people not only have more social interactions, they're also of a higher quality.
Quality in relationships is as important as quantity. Research shows that people want confidants, people in whom they can confide, more than just friends with whom they can "hang out". People want intimacy. It's the deeper relationships that allow companionship and confiding that makes people happy.
To form a close relationship involves an increasing level of self-disclosure, and without it people will still be lonely even if they have many "contacts". Studies have found that adults who had plenty of friends and spent a lot of time with them were still lonely because they talked about impersonal topics, such as sports and pop music, rather than about their real concerns.
Have you ever laid down in bed with a partner and just talked about your younger days? What about how your parents treated you? Laughed about how you got punished for stupid stuff you did? Talked to your partner about their concerns in the relationship? Things like this brings happiness from the other because they feel cared for and their partner is communicating with them.
All the scientific research, by a landslide, confirms that developing your social skills and your social relationships, be it work, family of personal, is the most promising path to happiness.
Bar advice.You don't need lots of money to do any of these things, just a new
understanding of reality and a solid foundation in the school of social interaction.
The stronger ties to friends someone has, the happier he or she is.Research shows again and again that the most important factor in happiness is having good interpersonal relations, with friends, family, and lovers.
At times it can seem paradoxical, because many of us think we can hardly wait to get home and be alone with nothing to do! Most guys think that having more money will make them happier. In fact, many put off meeting women and having a social life to
further their careers. Studies show people making $100,000 dollars are no happier than those making $30,000 dollars.
And studies show that guys making lots of money have no more sex or more sexual partners than guys living on a paycheck week to week, because they typically work longer hours, have less leisure time, and have more stress. I know what you're saying to yourself, "Give me lots of money and I'll show you I can be happy". Well here were not talking about someone striking the lottery or getting a in inheritance. Then again, what makes you think people that get that become happier?
In fact, study after study shows that it's the people who are alone with nothing to do who are typically the most unhappy. Almost universally, whether extroverted or introverted, people feel happier when they're with other people. BELONGING is a great
source of pleasure. We want to feel part of a group, whether it be with a lover, a set of friends, or a family. So being social and feeling content and happy go hand in hand. Happy people not only have more social interactions, they're also of a higher quality.
Quality in relationships is as important as quantity. Research shows that people want confidants, people in whom they can confide, more than just friends with whom they can "hang out". People want intimacy. It's the deeper relationships that allow companionship and confiding that makes people happy.
To form a close relationship involves an increasing level of self-disclosure, and without it people will still be lonely even if they have many "contacts". Studies have found that adults who had plenty of friends and spent a lot of time with them were still lonely because they talked about impersonal topics, such as sports and pop music, rather than about their real concerns.
Have you ever laid down in bed with a partner and just talked about your younger days? What about how your parents treated you? Laughed about how you got punished for stupid stuff you did? Talked to your partner about their concerns in the relationship? Things like this brings happiness from the other because they feel cared for and their partner is communicating with them.
All the scientific research, by a landslide, confirms that developing your social skills and your social relationships, be it work, family of personal, is the most promising path to happiness.
Bar advice.You don't need lots of money to do any of these things, just a new
understanding of reality and a solid foundation in the school of social interaction.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Getting to commitment
A very worthwhile read for anyone in any type of relationship. Book covers topics to make you more aware of the motivations for your own behavior and reactions to other people. Good for men and women, people who don't think they have relating problems and for those who know they do. It is worth your time.
Bar advice. Where do you stand in the face of commitment? Is the relationship going anywhere?
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sexual peaks
The fact is that men and women don't reach sexual peaks at the same time of their lives. Here I'll give you the best of what I assume happens to both men and women at different ages and stages of their lives.
On one hand guys can start to be active by sixteen and so can the girls. Some even earlier. Parents in this day and age have no clue as to what their children do. Sure it's all hush hush but when they are out of sight and you are out of mind. Sex is something exciting to them because it's taboo. Most of them would have had some form of sexual encounter already. It could be heavy petting, masturbation, oral sex with some already doing it fully.
Most guys reach their sexual peak between 18 to 24 yeras old. This is the time that they have the most energy, are seeking for it and can go about it all night long. Women at this age are a little awkward because they are in search of slightly different things. They want the whole package. Relationship, love and commitment is their agenda. This is because they have not peaked as yet and having a horny boy makes them feel good but they know what that boy is after. A lot of them do have sex as well but they were actually better when they were younger at age.
Women peak sexually at the age of 32 to 38 years old. Lot's of times guys don't understand why she seems to be in 'heat'. Biologically, her clock is speeding up a little because even if she doesn't know it, that this is the last chance to be pregnant and her body is sending weird signals to her brain. It's not only to her partner that she seeks a sexual feel but even people from work, during commute to work even strangers that give her the eye. She tends to feel that she needs all this extra attention before all her looks and body shape gets changed forever.
Most women will be either going to get their hair, nails or face done. Even if they never used Botox, they may try it. Some go to the extreme of plastic surgery to get lifts especially the breast area. They seem to be running a race against time. The attention of some younger men also perks their playful and sexual thoughts. They don't really understand it themselves but they seem to enjoy it even to the point that some become hostile towards their partners at home because at the back of their minds he will always be there but they belive time is running out but for what, even they can't figure it out.
Lot's of women these days go online to dating and sexual sites. Not that they are going to leave their partners but to just flirt and get response from men to their profiles. Some have no problems writing down that they are married. This safeguard is there but they know that men will still engage them if it's out there. There are some sites that has them in their underware, topless or even naked but face covered. they actaul paste their pictures on it. Why that? It just adds to the excitment that they are letting every man eye their body and normally the profile write up is just as exciting. If responses do come they play it by ear. It rarely becomes a real date or sexual encounter but sadly sometimes it may happen. Most of them also know that they can leave the site and remove all pictures anytime so the safety of not getting caught is there.
Guys that do the online surfing of women are really just doing that. The fact is that if they got just one girl that may correspond with them, they will not bother to get a second or third. This is because they know that they have a partner at home and they just want to flirt every once in a while and not get caught. Men are also out of it once their sexual peak is over. They worry more about work and family than other women. Hence, some women's need for male attractive glances because the workaholic partner is too dumb to understand her position and needs.
On the other hand. Women are 'set' by the time they pass their main sexual peak or just a little further till the point of menopause. However, men start to rekindle thier radars. Somehow they seem to have back up fuel that reignites into fire when they reach 55 to 60 years old. It's not about the sex really but the advances of younger women flirting with them is enough for them to start reaching for the oxygen tank yet they carry on in their own way. Men will try to make themselves seem younger in public but when he gets home he acts like he needs to be rushed to the emegency ward. Why? Well it's a throw off so his partner isn't suspicious. Although nothing is happening he's not going to let it explode into a war. His peace is at home. If he feels there may be danger he'll end it quickly.
All this going on will be oblivious to both sides but sometimes it gets strayed and divorce can become the reality they face. Nobody wants that to happen but it could. In our human nature and sense of wanting to be sexually attractive and young we loose the goal. What's that you ask? We only need to be all thses things for our partner and ourselves to be happy. Loosing track of this may put us in a awkward position and we may loose all that we have with our patners. We are human and we all have needs that our minds and bodies can't seem to work out for us. It's all left to what the heart knows is right.
Bar advice. If you took time to learn about what your partner, male and female, is all about and you put them above all others then you won't need anyone or anything else to satisfy yourself.
On one hand guys can start to be active by sixteen and so can the girls. Some even earlier. Parents in this day and age have no clue as to what their children do. Sure it's all hush hush but when they are out of sight and you are out of mind. Sex is something exciting to them because it's taboo. Most of them would have had some form of sexual encounter already. It could be heavy petting, masturbation, oral sex with some already doing it fully.
Most guys reach their sexual peak between 18 to 24 yeras old. This is the time that they have the most energy, are seeking for it and can go about it all night long. Women at this age are a little awkward because they are in search of slightly different things. They want the whole package. Relationship, love and commitment is their agenda. This is because they have not peaked as yet and having a horny boy makes them feel good but they know what that boy is after. A lot of them do have sex as well but they were actually better when they were younger at age.
Women peak sexually at the age of 32 to 38 years old. Lot's of times guys don't understand why she seems to be in 'heat'. Biologically, her clock is speeding up a little because even if she doesn't know it, that this is the last chance to be pregnant and her body is sending weird signals to her brain. It's not only to her partner that she seeks a sexual feel but even people from work, during commute to work even strangers that give her the eye. She tends to feel that she needs all this extra attention before all her looks and body shape gets changed forever.
Most women will be either going to get their hair, nails or face done. Even if they never used Botox, they may try it. Some go to the extreme of plastic surgery to get lifts especially the breast area. They seem to be running a race against time. The attention of some younger men also perks their playful and sexual thoughts. They don't really understand it themselves but they seem to enjoy it even to the point that some become hostile towards their partners at home because at the back of their minds he will always be there but they belive time is running out but for what, even they can't figure it out.
Lot's of women these days go online to dating and sexual sites. Not that they are going to leave their partners but to just flirt and get response from men to their profiles. Some have no problems writing down that they are married. This safeguard is there but they know that men will still engage them if it's out there. There are some sites that has them in their underware, topless or even naked but face covered. they actaul paste their pictures on it. Why that? It just adds to the excitment that they are letting every man eye their body and normally the profile write up is just as exciting. If responses do come they play it by ear. It rarely becomes a real date or sexual encounter but sadly sometimes it may happen. Most of them also know that they can leave the site and remove all pictures anytime so the safety of not getting caught is there.
Guys that do the online surfing of women are really just doing that. The fact is that if they got just one girl that may correspond with them, they will not bother to get a second or third. This is because they know that they have a partner at home and they just want to flirt every once in a while and not get caught. Men are also out of it once their sexual peak is over. They worry more about work and family than other women. Hence, some women's need for male attractive glances because the workaholic partner is too dumb to understand her position and needs.
On the other hand. Women are 'set' by the time they pass their main sexual peak or just a little further till the point of menopause. However, men start to rekindle thier radars. Somehow they seem to have back up fuel that reignites into fire when they reach 55 to 60 years old. It's not about the sex really but the advances of younger women flirting with them is enough for them to start reaching for the oxygen tank yet they carry on in their own way. Men will try to make themselves seem younger in public but when he gets home he acts like he needs to be rushed to the emegency ward. Why? Well it's a throw off so his partner isn't suspicious. Although nothing is happening he's not going to let it explode into a war. His peace is at home. If he feels there may be danger he'll end it quickly.
All this going on will be oblivious to both sides but sometimes it gets strayed and divorce can become the reality they face. Nobody wants that to happen but it could. In our human nature and sense of wanting to be sexually attractive and young we loose the goal. What's that you ask? We only need to be all thses things for our partner and ourselves to be happy. Loosing track of this may put us in a awkward position and we may loose all that we have with our patners. We are human and we all have needs that our minds and bodies can't seem to work out for us. It's all left to what the heart knows is right.
Bar advice. If you took time to learn about what your partner, male and female, is all about and you put them above all others then you won't need anyone or anything else to satisfy yourself.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
What sort of relationship are you in?
A relationship should be like a flowing river. Fresh, moving around and finding ways around obstacles. Enjoying a relationship should never be like a still pond of water that just exists. A relationship should have life and should never be a compromise.
Many relationships become like a pond. They began like river but are now stationary wondering where to go, and whether to exist at all. They continue existing without any pleasure. The main reason is the inability of partners to face the uncertainty of breaking the relationship. How does it end up that way?
The relationship continues because the partners do not want to face the future alone. They are tired of it and worried that they will undergo more pain if they break the relationship. They neither try to refresh the relationship nor break it. There lies the heart of the matter.
What should they do? They should sit together, talk about the stagnation in the relationship, and talk about how to give it a new life. If they decide that it will not be possible, they should break up and look towards a better future. A relationship without pleasure will break up any way after some years. By that time, lot of time would have been lost and the discord would leave a very bad stamp of experience on both the partners. Better to control the disease in time.
Worst thing that can happen is if both do not solve it and one of them gets involved with someone new and the other finds out. it will feel like a betrayal even if things weren't going smoothly and the relationship was stagnant. The other will feel that there was wasted time given to the other and all kinds of psychological effects will take place. It's sad to see things like that happen to people that start out really good then change and never seem to know what to do, how to change it and not find help from others.
You got to want to be in love and make your partner fight for your love daily. Even if people have kids, they have to have that 'special' time for themselves and always have the fire burning in their hearts for each other. When children, friends and family see that, it makes them search for love inside themselves as well.
Bar advice. Love yourself. Give onto others. Help people. Be generous. Pray. It's all good, you'll see.
Many relationships become like a pond. They began like river but are now stationary wondering where to go, and whether to exist at all. They continue existing without any pleasure. The main reason is the inability of partners to face the uncertainty of breaking the relationship. How does it end up that way?
The relationship continues because the partners do not want to face the future alone. They are tired of it and worried that they will undergo more pain if they break the relationship. They neither try to refresh the relationship nor break it. There lies the heart of the matter.
What should they do? They should sit together, talk about the stagnation in the relationship, and talk about how to give it a new life. If they decide that it will not be possible, they should break up and look towards a better future. A relationship without pleasure will break up any way after some years. By that time, lot of time would have been lost and the discord would leave a very bad stamp of experience on both the partners. Better to control the disease in time.
Worst thing that can happen is if both do not solve it and one of them gets involved with someone new and the other finds out. it will feel like a betrayal even if things weren't going smoothly and the relationship was stagnant. The other will feel that there was wasted time given to the other and all kinds of psychological effects will take place. It's sad to see things like that happen to people that start out really good then change and never seem to know what to do, how to change it and not find help from others.
You got to want to be in love and make your partner fight for your love daily. Even if people have kids, they have to have that 'special' time for themselves and always have the fire burning in their hearts for each other. When children, friends and family see that, it makes them search for love inside themselves as well.
Bar advice. Love yourself. Give onto others. Help people. Be generous. Pray. It's all good, you'll see.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
卹 Compassionate Listner.
It is difficult to become a good listener who both validates the pain of the other, while maintaining the ability to look at themselves. Each person must listen compassionately to themselves and each other.
Within many relationships, rather than engaging in compassionate listening, many couples polarize. One partner is the voice of reason, the head, while the other partner is the voice of emotion, the heart. These patterns often create communication problems, which hardly begins to touch on the angst that can be felt between couples.
While, listening with both our hearts and our heads is valuable, neither is complete by itself, because listening with both makes one complete person. Someone who uses just their head while listening is using their intellect and knowledge, and when used individually, without the hearts part, it can be cold and indifferent. When listening with just the heart compassion turns into confused feelings.
A compassionate listener is someone who listens with both their head and their heart.
Here are traits of a compassionate listener:
They are commited to listening.
They have the intention of understanding, as deeply as possible, the message and concerns of others.
They seek to understand the reality of another through both compassion and understanding.
They refrain from verbal and nonverbal judgments.
They are physically and mentally ready to listen.
They validate their understanding of the other's reality before expressing their opinion.
They create a balance between their head and their heart.
They remain present and are in the here and now.
They are open to new learning experiences about their own behaviors.
They self-evaluate and can laugh at themselves.
Bar advice. It's not easy when one is in a difficult relationship buta good listner becomes a good communicator. Patience, love and understanding are important but communication makes it work.
Within many relationships, rather than engaging in compassionate listening, many couples polarize. One partner is the voice of reason, the head, while the other partner is the voice of emotion, the heart. These patterns often create communication problems, which hardly begins to touch on the angst that can be felt between couples.
While, listening with both our hearts and our heads is valuable, neither is complete by itself, because listening with both makes one complete person. Someone who uses just their head while listening is using their intellect and knowledge, and when used individually, without the hearts part, it can be cold and indifferent. When listening with just the heart compassion turns into confused feelings.
A compassionate listener is someone who listens with both their head and their heart.
Here are traits of a compassionate listener:
They are commited to listening.
They have the intention of understanding, as deeply as possible, the message and concerns of others.
They seek to understand the reality of another through both compassion and understanding.
They refrain from verbal and nonverbal judgments.
They are physically and mentally ready to listen.
They validate their understanding of the other's reality before expressing their opinion.
They create a balance between their head and their heart.
They remain present and are in the here and now.
They are open to new learning experiences about their own behaviors.
They self-evaluate and can laugh at themselves.
Bar advice. It's not easy when one is in a difficult relationship buta good listner becomes a good communicator. Patience, love and understanding are important but communication makes it work.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Dating your boss or co-worker
That’s a million dollar question! Dating your coworker or boss, someone you see at least five days a week, eight hours or more a day, why not? Well, that depends if dating your coworker will create problems in the workplace for you. Probably not a good idea to date your boss, this could cause problems for you down the line.
Imagine, you’re in the company cafeteria talking to your coworker that you date. Sally and John just walked into the cafeteria and they immediately start staring and whispering to themselves about the both of you. You know they’re talking about you because they look in your direction continuously while they whisper.
You and the coworker you date, feel very uncomfortable with Sally and John’’s reaction to you having lunch together. You think to yourselves that it may have been a mistake for you to have lunch together in the cafeteria where you work.
You’re now going to be the topic of your other coworkers conversation you believe, thanks to Sally and John who are known in the workplace as the king and queen of gossiping at your job. Both of you now wonder if the two of you should be dating and what were you thinking when you decided to have lunch together in the company’s cafeteria.
What type of problems could dating your coworker or maybe your boss cause? Well, what if you get into an argument at home or while you are on a date, when you go back to work you have to see that person almost everyday! If that person is your boss, then you could possibly loose that promotion you worked so hard for or maybe you have to walk on eggshells while you’re at work! This could make you feel very uncomfortable.
Or, if you’re getting along well with the coworker or boss you’re dating, your coworkers may think when they see you together that you may be getting special treatment. Especially if the boss you are dating favors you and gives you a promotion. This could cause a problem for the both of you.
If you just have to date your coworker or boss, consider keeping your personal relationship outside of the workplace! When you participate in this type of relationship, keep it professional in the office and personal outside of workplace. This is key in keeping the work place rumor mill to a minimum on having information about you and your coworker dating.
Bar advice.Only you will know if dating your coworker or boss will be a good idea for you. If you don’t believe this will cause a problem, then go for it! There are many people that have found their soul mates in the workplace. So do what makes you happy, after all you are in control of your own destiny and love life.
Imagine, you’re in the company cafeteria talking to your coworker that you date. Sally and John just walked into the cafeteria and they immediately start staring and whispering to themselves about the both of you. You know they’re talking about you because they look in your direction continuously while they whisper.
You and the coworker you date, feel very uncomfortable with Sally and John’’s reaction to you having lunch together. You think to yourselves that it may have been a mistake for you to have lunch together in the cafeteria where you work.
You’re now going to be the topic of your other coworkers conversation you believe, thanks to Sally and John who are known in the workplace as the king and queen of gossiping at your job. Both of you now wonder if the two of you should be dating and what were you thinking when you decided to have lunch together in the company’s cafeteria.
What type of problems could dating your coworker or maybe your boss cause? Well, what if you get into an argument at home or while you are on a date, when you go back to work you have to see that person almost everyday! If that person is your boss, then you could possibly loose that promotion you worked so hard for or maybe you have to walk on eggshells while you’re at work! This could make you feel very uncomfortable.
Or, if you’re getting along well with the coworker or boss you’re dating, your coworkers may think when they see you together that you may be getting special treatment. Especially if the boss you are dating favors you and gives you a promotion. This could cause a problem for the both of you.
If you just have to date your coworker or boss, consider keeping your personal relationship outside of the workplace! When you participate in this type of relationship, keep it professional in the office and personal outside of workplace. This is key in keeping the work place rumor mill to a minimum on having information about you and your coworker dating.
Bar advice.Only you will know if dating your coworker or boss will be a good idea for you. If you don’t believe this will cause a problem, then go for it! There are many people that have found their soul mates in the workplace. So do what makes you happy, after all you are in control of your own destiny and love life.
Monday, February 19, 2007
How to drive women wild in bed.
It's so simple to learn and confidence becomes your middle name. Never be afraid of not satisfying any woman ever again!!!
This book does seem to empower women more in the sack but if you learn all these techniques and apply them, trust me, she'll never forget you. In a way, this really helps those that are in a relationship already then those that are not because some of the stuff has to be a two way thing and if you're just met someone she may not be too keen to go all the way. However, why let that stop you. When you meet a girl for the first time and you want to impress her, than this info will come in handy.
Bar advice.Don't always think you know everything as a man and not be willing to learn or try new things. All women are different as well. One way works for one while the same may not apply to another. Women's bodies are psysically different as well.One thing is for certain. You'll be a little more prepared with this info.
This book does seem to empower women more in the sack but if you learn all these techniques and apply them, trust me, she'll never forget you. In a way, this really helps those that are in a relationship already then those that are not because some of the stuff has to be a two way thing and if you're just met someone she may not be too keen to go all the way. However, why let that stop you. When you meet a girl for the first time and you want to impress her, than this info will come in handy.
Bar advice.Don't always think you know everything as a man and not be willing to learn or try new things. All women are different as well. One way works for one while the same may not apply to another. Women's bodies are psysically different as well.One thing is for certain. You'll be a little more prepared with this info.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Will gives relationship advice
Bar advice. Conversation is the key. People that are in a relationship should talk to others to get a better ideas of what they want because some still don't know what they are looking for in a partner. Seeing the problem in others may just bring yours to the surface as well. Will says " A crazy guy at the bus stop doesn't know he's crazy", till he's told. So, listen and learn.
Finding the 'Right guy'.
Are you being yourself? As long as you resist being your natural, balanced self, you will not attract harmonious, long lasting, or healthy relationships. Once you become true to yourself, you automatically attract the right person to you. You can access and balance own unique vibration of energy to reveal your innate power and beauty within to attract the type of relationships you desire.Here are some tips for you women.
You Broadcast Who You Are and What You Want
What you think about, you attract. When you are cautious and hold back your true self, you attract similar situations to you. If you think you are not sufficient, not wise enough, or not powerful enough to create the reality you truly desire, you will attract a representation of your own doubt in yourself.
Attract Balanced Relationships
If you look for someone else to 'complete' you, you attract an incomplete relationship. What you create is a partnership made up of two half people, that will not satisfy either person.When you feel complete and sufficient, you set up a vibration that attracts those with the similar qualities. When you reflect the type of vibrations you choose to attract in someone else, you will be seen and recognized by Mr.Wonderful.
Re-ignite Your Attractive Power
Balance your female energy to reignite your attractive power. When you flood your body with your own female energy, your body automatically seeks its original perfect balance. With practice your system will stay in balance effortlessly. This way you can experience your ultimate sexual and creative power.
Become Clear and Certain About What You Want
Connecting with your innate power and sexual force spawns a new level of self certainty. Your confidence will soar and you may find yourself achieving goals you long forgot. As you get neutral to foreign energies that compete for space in your body, you become clear, grounded and focused.
Follow Your Own Path
Life is a journey, and you have everything you need to create the most desirable, enjoyable and fulfilling journey for yourself. Take steps each day to reach your life goals, and you will not only be amazed at how well you will achieve them, but at how enjoyable and stress free the journey will be.
Increase Your Natural Sex Appeal
Everyone has both male and female energies. Sometimes someone from your past has turned off your female energy. It affects how and what you attract in your life. Practice increasing the amount of female energy flowing in your body. This will increase your sex appeal and attraction.
Your Attractive Force Within IS Powerful
Your renewed personal power will revolutionize your relationships. When you increase your own sexual energy you increase self-confidence, boost your attractiveness and create balance.People around you will notice a positive change in you. They may not put their finger on it but you will know why they respond favorably.Practice this connecting to this energy for 20-30 days and the results will astonish you. Have fun with a renewed sense of your self.
Bar advice. It takes a lot effort but the pay off is good. Why? Well, you end up getting relationships going at a better pace and level. All the time you spent saying the words "He's not the One" will never be said again. Women make that mistake and are left on the 'shelve'(so to speak) and don't know what to do after that. Wake up girl!
You Broadcast Who You Are and What You Want
What you think about, you attract. When you are cautious and hold back your true self, you attract similar situations to you. If you think you are not sufficient, not wise enough, or not powerful enough to create the reality you truly desire, you will attract a representation of your own doubt in yourself.
Attract Balanced Relationships
If you look for someone else to 'complete' you, you attract an incomplete relationship. What you create is a partnership made up of two half people, that will not satisfy either person.When you feel complete and sufficient, you set up a vibration that attracts those with the similar qualities. When you reflect the type of vibrations you choose to attract in someone else, you will be seen and recognized by Mr.Wonderful.
Re-ignite Your Attractive Power
Balance your female energy to reignite your attractive power. When you flood your body with your own female energy, your body automatically seeks its original perfect balance. With practice your system will stay in balance effortlessly. This way you can experience your ultimate sexual and creative power.
Become Clear and Certain About What You Want
Connecting with your innate power and sexual force spawns a new level of self certainty. Your confidence will soar and you may find yourself achieving goals you long forgot. As you get neutral to foreign energies that compete for space in your body, you become clear, grounded and focused.
Follow Your Own Path
Life is a journey, and you have everything you need to create the most desirable, enjoyable and fulfilling journey for yourself. Take steps each day to reach your life goals, and you will not only be amazed at how well you will achieve them, but at how enjoyable and stress free the journey will be.
Increase Your Natural Sex Appeal
Everyone has both male and female energies. Sometimes someone from your past has turned off your female energy. It affects how and what you attract in your life. Practice increasing the amount of female energy flowing in your body. This will increase your sex appeal and attraction.
Your Attractive Force Within IS Powerful
Your renewed personal power will revolutionize your relationships. When you increase your own sexual energy you increase self-confidence, boost your attractiveness and create balance.People around you will notice a positive change in you. They may not put their finger on it but you will know why they respond favorably.Practice this connecting to this energy for 20-30 days and the results will astonish you. Have fun with a renewed sense of your self.
Bar advice. It takes a lot effort but the pay off is good. Why? Well, you end up getting relationships going at a better pace and level. All the time you spent saying the words "He's not the One" will never be said again. Women make that mistake and are left on the 'shelve'(so to speak) and don't know what to do after that. Wake up girl!
Here women can better understand men so that they can have genuine, authentic relationships once the differences are understood. It takes away a lot of the guesswork, and bring valuable advice, tests, questions, and answers that will help women be authentic, real, and genuine while learning how to relate to the man they are with, once they understand their basic inherent differences.
There are a lot of interviews with men in this book that provide the basis for what turns them off, and how they genuinely want to share in an authentic relationship with a woman who is real, as opposed to setting a trap, or manipulating them. Highly recommended for its authenticity and valuable insight.
Bar advice.Somethings your mother's did not teach you, probably because they didn't know themselves, and you need to know. This is a great book for anyone who is going to have a relationship. Never underestimate the power of knowledge.
There are a lot of interviews with men in this book that provide the basis for what turns them off, and how they genuinely want to share in an authentic relationship with a woman who is real, as opposed to setting a trap, or manipulating them. Highly recommended for its authenticity and valuable insight.
Bar advice.Somethings your mother's did not teach you, probably because they didn't know themselves, and you need to know. This is a great book for anyone who is going to have a relationship. Never underestimate the power of knowledge.
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