Abstinence

At first, you dream of her. Then you see her across the room. You know immediately that you have to have her. You meet, and you make a brilliantly sexy connection. you date some time. Then she wants you to wait three months. It seems perfectly ridiculous. Who are you kidding? Neither of you are virginal. So how long is too long to wait and is it really worth it in the end? No matter how hot she seemed at first, will abstinence really make the heart fonder and the sex hotter?

To gauge woman’s sexual vibes is always challenging when you first meet. Some women send out ridiculously strong sexual signals, sometimes without even recognizing their strength. Other women make an effort to lure you in with their sex appeal, and then expect you to make the rest of the moves. While a certain period of harmless flirting is always necessary, its also a good idea to cut to the chase early when it comes to both of your sexual motives. As unassumingly as possible, you might ask that new sexy woman in your life what type, if any, of relationship she is after. Her answer will likely range from "none" to "I’m not sure". These are both fine answers, as neither of them close the door on a potential sexual connection. However, if at anytime in her response she mentions the word "slow", as in "I need to take things slowly", you are best prepared to expect the worse in terms of waiting for sex.

Taking things slowly differs from woman to woman in every relationship. Generally, a woman who wants to go slowly though, is speaking in terms of months, not dates. While some women’s intentions remain quite Victorian, we all know that when things get really hot and steamy, it sometimes becomes impossible to wait at all. Hopefully you have run into this type of woman. She plays hard to get but when it comes down to play time she is actually hard to get off you. In the opposite scenario, your experience will likely be less thrilling. Sure this flirty lady will engage in foreplay and test the waters a little but just when you think you are really getting somewhere, bam! She calls it off and declares that things are moving "way too fast".

So what else can this impossible woman expect from you besides abstinence (as if that’s not enough)? A woman who wants to take things "slow" in the sexual department wants you to connect with her on an emotional level, not just a physical one. I think we all regret that this means having lots of long talks, giving her lots of attention, and yes, maybe even some gifts. Sound like way too much effort? You might be right. If time spent with her is relatively enjoyable and gets you that much closer to your long term goal, then a few weeks of chivalry and foreplay will not kill you in the end. Months of abstinence, however, might be another story altogether. A woman who expects you to wait an extended period of time before sex is, in effect, suggesting that sex be used as a tool to "consummate" the relationship.

Beware of this woman as she might have much grander plans in mind, like marriage! Any woman with a healthy sex drive and a passion for life who chooses abstinence with someone as sexy as yourself is trying one of two goals. One, she is engaging in a religious practice, or two, she is husband shopping.

The truth is that when a woman decides that her next serious (i.e. sexual) relationship will be her last one, she intends to turn that serious relationship into a marriage. Don’t say we didn't warn you. The woman who wants to be "worth waiting for" has other potentially unrealistic expectations of you as well. As you might have predicted, after several long months of touching and waiting and touching and waiting some more, the build up to the big event is almost intolerable. The weight of the world is resting on both of your shoulders to make this all worth waiting for. Can it really turn out as well as you both hope and expect? Not likely. Remember that it is hard to recover from a flawed or failed first attempt at sexual intimacy. In the end, it may be better to hurry up and get the first time over with, so that you can get on with the practicing and really getting to know each other in the bedroom.

There are only a few real benefits to waiting weeks or months before having sex. First of all, as you might imagine, the waiting adds an exciting level of suspense to the relationship. You know you both want to and you are both dying to find out what the other will be like but you are so into each other that you already know that it will be great. This can be an absolutely dreamy period of time in a relationship. On the total opposite chance that you begin to lose interest in a woman as you get to know her, then it will be much easier to break up with her if you have not engaged in intercourse. In the right relationship, abstinence might make you fonder of each other and strengthen your sexual relationship down the road. However, this is generally the exception rather than the rule.

If this is the sexy lady for you, then go ahead and distract yourself for a few months, and wait for her to come around but if the waiting is making you more upset and frustrated than happy to be with her at all, then the delayed enjoyment of sex with this woman will probably not be worth investing you time into. Don't get me wrong, some guys can wait and one reason is because they are also lacking in intimacy due to experience. They're not sure how it all works too so they dare not push forward and are content to wait it out. Their lack of relationships earlier in life brings them to this point. The abstinence on the part of the woman may also come from this reason at times. It's different with everybody generally.

Bar advice. Meeting the 'right person' may be a high factor in breaking the abstinence period but communicating about your sexual fears and doubts may surprisingly clear theirs as well and abstinence may never arise.

Relationship advice on break ups

After a breakup, people often take time to reflect on the dynamics of their relationship. What went wrong and why, as well as what went right. It's not uncommon for ex-partners to begin to believe the relationship is salvageable and could potentially blossom again. No one can guarantee that rekindling a relationship with an ex will work out, but there are steps you can take to greatly increase the chances. So lets see if you can increase you chances.

Ask yourself if there's still love between you and your ex? If you are certain that you're still in love and he or she still loves you, then you could try to reestablish a successful relationship. If you aren't sure whether or not you still love one another, then you probably need to take more time until you are certain. It has to work both ways, so talk to your partner about it and be careful not to confuse love with the desire for companionship and comfort. Normally after a break up you feel out of sync from the world because of the routine you had when in a relationship.

You got to overcome doubt. One or both parties already gave up on the relationship once, so what makes you think you can make it work this time around? This is the doubt you will have. Doubt can undermine your efforts. Consider the polarities. Faith on one end, and doubt on the other. If you have decided to get back together, you have faith but inevitably, there will also be doubt. The first place to start is to recognize doubt will be there. Just being aware of this will help you find the strength to let doubt subside and not rule you. This, by the way, will be felt on both sides and is also normal.

How do you face the issues? One of the most important factors in getting back together is a willingness to face the issues honestly, together and individually. The things that led you to breakup in the first place. Since it's almost impossible to change the other person, a good place to start is with you. Ask yourself how you can take responsibility for your part in the breakup. Are there ways that you could act or react differently to a problem? What part of the relationship which was not working out was your responsibility? How can you change to make your ex see that you want he relationship to work. See how it's more about you than your ex? Make a list and then talk with your partner about your part in the problem. Take responsibility and chances are they will be forthcoming with their own shortcomings.

Staying committed to the relationship is hard work. Taking the responsibility for your part in the problems is part of the healing. Reestablishing a strong foundation for the relationship comes with making a commitment to work on these problems one at a time. This will take time, and results will be slow to come, so remain consistent and persistent. Both need to commit to making changes. If you find yourselves getting stuck, consider seeking professional assistance such as couples counseling. When negotiating what needs to change in a relationship, do your best to avoid criticism and blame. Instead, focus on what your responsibility is and make sure your partner is on board with you. The worse thing is when one does not see that they are part of the problem when the relationship is on the rocks.

Bar advice. Taking someone for granted is one of the downfalls of any relationships. Ensure that the relationship has committed conversations as often as possible.

Avoid breaking up badly

We all agree it is compassionate to avoid hurting people’s feelings whenever possible. The “whenever possible” clause creates some confusion when ending a relationship, however. This is an inherently painful time for one or both parties.

Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then is necessary in these situations. Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.

There are no strict rules about how to end a relationship. However, a few tips can help when breaking up with someone.


Don’t be evasive, unclear or vague. Be direct and to the point. This is not an enjoyable matter for either of you. Giving false hope or making your partner guess at what you want prolongs everyone’s misery.

Do not break up in stages. You may think this will make the loss easier. Don’t fall for it. This only serves to administer low, medium and high doses of pain over a longer interval.

Don’t lie or invent a story. Things will not add up and the falsehood will be found out sooner or later, usually sooner. Getting over a break up is hard enough without introducing mistrust. Making someone piece together bits of information while leaving him/her to guess what is true, causes unnecessary pain.

Don’t blame someone or something else for your choices. Identifying and asking for what you want is an important developmental step and is necessary for mature relationships. Also, hiding behind excuses is pretty transparent. It is likely the other person will see what you are doing. Conversely, if he/she actually believes your excuse, the person will try and problem solve how to remove whatever relationship obstacle you’ve fabricated.

Don’t delay ending a relationship. Once you know you want to break up with someone, it does not help if you deny what you feel. Your partner will sense a change, perhaps reaching out for reassurance. This may feel like “neediness” to you which will increase your feelings of being stuck.

It's hard to end a relationship especially if several years have gone by. If you're leaving because of another man/woman then you are doomed to fail in the next one as well. People that break up after trying to find their purpose and intention with their partner and finding out that it isn't working are not deceiving their partner. The effort was put in but it seems that it's not working out and if the partner can see that you were genuine in the relationship and did all that you could, would understand even if it hurts. He/she knows in the heart that it is for the best.

Bar advide. Cry and sob to ease the pain but you know that it was better this way then fooling yourself and things end up worse later in life.

Here without you

Bar advice. Sometimes we all feel bad when we break up, divorce, loose someone or move away. That's part of life but they will always be in our hearts and minds. It's OK to cry.