Avoid breaking up badly

We all agree it is compassionate to avoid hurting people’s feelings whenever possible. The “whenever possible” clause creates some confusion when ending a relationship, however. This is an inherently painful time for one or both parties.

Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then is necessary in these situations. Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.

There are no strict rules about how to end a relationship. However, a few tips can help when breaking up with someone.


Don’t be evasive, unclear or vague. Be direct and to the point. This is not an enjoyable matter for either of you. Giving false hope or making your partner guess at what you want prolongs everyone’s misery.

Do not break up in stages. You may think this will make the loss easier. Don’t fall for it. This only serves to administer low, medium and high doses of pain over a longer interval.

Don’t lie or invent a story. Things will not add up and the falsehood will be found out sooner or later, usually sooner. Getting over a break up is hard enough without introducing mistrust. Making someone piece together bits of information while leaving him/her to guess what is true, causes unnecessary pain.

Don’t blame someone or something else for your choices. Identifying and asking for what you want is an important developmental step and is necessary for mature relationships. Also, hiding behind excuses is pretty transparent. It is likely the other person will see what you are doing. Conversely, if he/she actually believes your excuse, the person will try and problem solve how to remove whatever relationship obstacle you’ve fabricated.

Don’t delay ending a relationship. Once you know you want to break up with someone, it does not help if you deny what you feel. Your partner will sense a change, perhaps reaching out for reassurance. This may feel like “neediness” to you which will increase your feelings of being stuck.

It's hard to end a relationship especially if several years have gone by. If you're leaving because of another man/woman then you are doomed to fail in the next one as well. People that break up after trying to find their purpose and intention with their partner and finding out that it isn't working are not deceiving their partner. The effort was put in but it seems that it's not working out and if the partner can see that you were genuine in the relationship and did all that you could, would understand even if it hurts. He/she knows in the heart that it is for the best.

Bar advide. Cry and sob to ease the pain but you know that it was better this way then fooling yourself and things end up worse later in life.