Letting go of past relationships

Just when you thought you were over it, you accidentally walk into the bar, club, restaurant, coffee shop or store where you once were together, in love. You were there together, before you had the talk about what you really wanted. Before the big fight. Before the reconciliation. Before the next big fight and then when you finally broke up for good.

Why do you wonder if you did the right thing? Why do you miss your ex? Why is closure so hard to close? As the saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. Letting go of past relationships and closure might be even harder to come by. Next time you face this dilemma, try these to finally let go.

Answers
What is really bugging you about the breakup? If you don't have some idea of what really happened to you, it's going to be a lot harder to move forward. Write out what this relationship was for you from the first day you met to the day you broke up. The universe supports loving relationships of equality. Was it an equal loving relationship? Did this person bring out the best (or worst) in you? Was this a sexual relationship, a fling or real attraction and love?

Advice
Ask the friends you trust, "What did you observe in my relationship?" Often the people who love us can see what we can't but they won't open up or give advice to you unless you ask. They don't want to hurt your feelings about your choice. It's so much easier to idealize the past than accept that your relationship had some real flaws that would have erupted over time. Sometimes the questions can be answered by meeting with your ex, but be careful! No sex with your ex or, you may be on different time lines of grief and it can be painful if it appears that your ex is "over it" and you're not. Your ex may also already be seeing someone else which may just make you feel like dog poop.

Reclaim Yourself
There's a reason that people sell the house when they get divorced. Shared space is intimate space. If your place looks like he just left for work ten minutes ago or her toothbrush is still hanging in the bathroom, you're wallowing. Buy new sheets. Paint, move furniture around or have a "newly single" house warming party. Your environment reflects your mind. If it's a shrine to a past relationship, how can you heal? It's not about denying your feelings. It's about letting your mind rest in your own home.

Forgiveness
Even if you can't forgive them, forgive yourself! Relationships don't fail. They change. You may not be ready to forgive your partner for any number of things (like cheating!), but you must forgive yourself. Letting go isn't possible without accepting and loving your own willingness to love. If you are waiting for your ex to say something you want to hear or just to return your DVDs, you're giving them power over your process. Stop empowering them over you. Forgiveness is hard but whether given to them or to yourself, you feed better energy than anger and feeling miserable.

Feelings
Resist the temptation to run out for a replacement person in the first few months. If someone told you their grandmother died, you wouldn't tell them to go out and get another grandma. You would give them all the time they needed to think about their relationship with their loved one and what it meant to them. The need to heal takes longer for some. Some put up false pretense of getting over someone quickly but they are hurting tremendously inside.

Grieving
Grieving is a process of going deeper into consciousness. Therefore, grieving the end of a relationship opens you up to a deeper experience in life. Pain is a necessary part of growth. Take a treasured object that represents your relationship and set it free. Perhaps you can donate a piece of jewelry you received to a charity, release a love letter or painting of you two into the ocean. By marking the end of this important person in your life, you are honoring the time you had together and you are honoring yourself for having the courage to love.

Bar advice. Letting go of past relationships only happens when you arrive at a place of rest and acceptance. It will come. Trust the process and experience your pain. It will conclude into clarity. It will lead to peace. Eventually.

Being Compatible

Sure, a lot of times opposites attract, in a big way! The push and pull of differences can create friction, heat and a whole lot of excitement in many relationships. Some of these connections last and many don't but for the most part, when it comes to finding a long term mate, the more you have in common, the less likely there is to be conflict. So that means you can also be attracted to someone more similar to yourself.

As humans, many of us find this really boring! Even still, no relationship is a walk in the park and it won't be smooth sailing all the way, no matter how similar you are. So, you might as well go for the fire. However, part of finding and keeping a mate means accepting and getting past differences and working on change when necessary. It's what you do share that will come to your rescue in challenging times. That's why it's important to identify common ground in every love connection.

It's the age old question of "How compatible are we?" Or, "what should I be looking for?" There are probably hundreds of answers to these questions, so here it's narrowed down to the top five main compatibility "musts" in a mate.

Social
How do you and your partner match up when it comes to socializing? Do you like to be with and meet new people? Do you talk to every person you possibly can at a party? Does spending time socializing energize you? It's fine if someone doesn't have quite the same passion for socializing as their partner but if the difference is extreme and if one person needs to stay home to rest and recoup constantly, while the other needs to go out or invite friends over multiple times a week to get their groove on, conflict may arise. You and your partner needn't do everything together but for optimum happiness, it's best to pick a partner who has similar social desires.

Sexual
Of course, without sexual chemistry most couples would never get together in the first place! By sexual it means early desires and later physical interaction. This initial attraction is the easy part but the nuts and bolts of making it work in bed for the long run is a much more complex affair. It's good to gauge your compatibility in this area by getting answers to certain questions. Are you matched in terms of your preferences and expectations? For instance, are you more dominant or submissive, expressive or inhibited, experimental or conservative? Is there a balance? How much foreplay do you like to give and receive? Is there a shared commitment to monogamy or is an open relationship acceptable? The answers will be different for everyone but they can be the biggest deal breakers in a relationship.

Financial
If you're planning on being with someone long term, know what their approach to money management is. To avoid unpleasant surprises, talk about it before taking any legally binding steps. How does each of you feel about credit? What's more important, spending or saving? Will you pool your money together or operate separately? Do both parties expect to earn an income and, if not, is one willing and capable of supporting the other? Do you love the person enough that money is not an issue between yourselves even if one lacks or has lesser of it?

Spiritual
Spiritual compatibility encompasses values, beliefs and behaviors. Whether or not you are a deeply spiritual or religious person, compatibility, or absolute acceptance and discussion of differences, in this area should be addressed as it could affect the long term development of a relationship. Is a shared religion and faith an important qualification for a mate? Can you talk openly to each other about spiritual topics? Does your partner have an accepting and warm response? Do you feel like you can support each other on a spiritual path? Is your partner willing to change for you?

Lifestyle
Thankfully, this is the area of compatibility that is often easiest to work through, but can also be the source of much conflict. Is your partner up all night while you're early to bed and early to rise? Things to consider include;
1) Your level of organization.
2) Your living space preferences? (big or small, style, decor).
3) Hobbies and pastimes.
4) Preferences for sports and exercise.
5) Vacationing or staying at home.
6) Are cultural events, art, music and dancing valued?
7) What level of political or religious involvement in the community is desired?
8) What obligations to family, relatives or friends is required?
9) Where do you see your life unfolding? (in the city, suburbs or country?).
10) Is charity and volunteer work part of your life?

A friend of mine, Anne Curtis, who is a celebrity and star in the Philippines was just chatting with me yesterday. She's always so bubbly and friendly but people don't get to see past her celeb status. Question is, does she even have the time to think about all the points highlighted above? Maybe the most important compatibility in her case would be the "spiritual" one. A religious bond perhaps that makes sense of the world she lives in and whoever she's in a relationship with. So count your blessings that you have more going for yourself.

Bar advice. The odds of you being compatible with someone is far greater than my friend Anne. However, my advice to all and someone like Anne is, never give up the belief you'll find the "one."

Stop Whining, Start Living

Stop Whining, Start Living gives readers stuck in their suffering the jump start they need to break out of reactive mode and get proactive, moving in the direction of a joyful, meaningful, happy, fulfilling, and purposeful future. Everyone can use a kick in the pants sometimes, and Dr.Laura Schlessinger, who "preaches, teaches, and nags" to millions every day on her radio program, is here to deliver it!

This book is not for people who want to embrace their problems. It’s for people who want to solve them and move on to a more productive and happy life. If you want to feel more in control of your situations in families, neighborhoods, jobs, etc., then you first have to look inside yourself and see what YOU are doing that you shouldn't be or what you are NOT doing that you should be! This is where the power to change everything comes in.

Bar advice. If your life seems stuck in an endless cycle of "nowhere" and you winne about a change, check out this Amazon book.

Infertility

I have a friend that got some news from her doctor last year that she could not bear children. It's one of those many cases of people that have this problem. Male infertility is also something that happens but mostly it's hit by the female gender probably because they are the child bearers.

Male infertility is becoming a more common topic when it comes to reproductive issues but female infertility is still the most often talked about concern. No matter how many 'how to' infertility books are out there, there are just some women that are unable to have a child without some assistance and that's when you need all the information you can get.

Some female infertility issues can be handled through natural means. There is some research indicating that acupuncture and infertility are linked. Studies are showing that having regular acupuncture treatments may improve the health of the body, which then can help infertility. This natural infertility treatment is becoming a much more popular first step in the fight to have a child in a natural way. Herbal remedy for infertility options also exist that can assist in making the body more 'willing' to have a pregnancy.

We may never be positive about what can cause infertility. There is recent speculation that the cause of female infertility might be as simple as having a weaker body that won't become pregnant because it feels like it can not support the full term pregnancy. Other infertility journals speculate that women might have trouble with conceiving because of other infertility problems - smoking, stress, improper diet, etc. Some infertility causes aren't as clear as changing a diet or trying to take better care of yourself.

One solution that comes up on many infertility forums a process in which one sperm is placed in to one egg outside of the body in order to create new life. These infertility services don't rely on the hope that one of many sperm will reach an egg but rather they make sure that the egg and sperm meet up and then it's up to the embryo to attach to the uterine wall. The cost of infertility treatment options like this is high but the chances of success seem to be much higher as well.

You might also want to consider drug infertility treatments in order to stimulate the body into ovulating, if this is the cause of the female infertility. Infertility drugs are highly successful when the treatment plan is followed and can even result in multiple births for some parents. The woman will need to inject herself with hormones in order to stimulate egg production and more eggs being released. And this can help to improve the chances of the egg and sperm finally meeting up to make a pregnancy.

While an infertility cure is never certain, female infertility does have many options that can be utilized. When you're trying to make the decision, it can help to do research on your own first to see what options are available before heading to your doctor for their opinion.

Bar advice. I'm no doctor but keeping a healthy positive mind is also beneficial. Also, prayer never hurts when wishing for kids.

Dating when you're older

Over the years, our priorities shift, careers expand, interests change, as does what we look for in a potential mate, and where we look for them. You may feel like all the good ones are taken, but hey, you're single so you've just disproved that theory! Yes it's different, yes it's scary and that's okay. So let's take a look at some dating strategies for thirty somethings.

In your thirties, you know how to make a list of qualities for your perfect partner (and even how to manifest them yourself) but you aren't really expecting them to land right at your feet, are you? You're more interested in quality (not quantity) when it comes to dating, so why not multitask by doing what you love to do in hopes of meeting a wonderful someone with similar interests to your own? Most of all have fun and don't look for the "one"! Be happy to simply meet new people and have different experiences. If you're enjoying yourself, others will take note. They will notice that you can be what they have been looking for as well.

Sure, you can join a yoga class or a interest group because that's what all the love coaches say to do but what about this? Try imagining where you might run into the person you'd most like to attract. You might be more likely to meet them at a work conference, on a vacation, or at a workshop, from comedy writing to wine tasting, or where you are truly in your element.

Going out to try and meet someone over a beer or margarita is always an option but as life gets busier and schedules become more hectic, you don't have all day to nurse a hangover. So look for healthier options like joining a running group, soccer team or the gym.

If you have a dog, start taking new walking routes, if you don't have a dog, borrow one. You'll meet plenty of people at dog parks or local walking spots. If the walking isn't good in your neighborhood, load up the pooch and drive to another area with cool coffee shops and pull up a seat outside (if it's warm enough). You'll be surprised how often a stranger will venture over to chat whether it be about your dog, your book or what you're eating. A friend of mine, Clarice, has a Rottweiler. If you need a guard dog fine, however, I suggest a more gentle breed for people to approach.

If you are a single parent, take your kids where other single parents might also be enriching the life of their child like museums, class trips or children's theater. Just be open and remember you're not a kid anymore, so be bold, and don't be afraid to ask any interesting prospects "How are you?" It's not as difficult as that. If response is poor with one person, simply move on. There's a lot of others out there.

There you are sitting in front of the TV again or searching online profiles (which is not to be discounted) but you could be mingling with real live adults right now. It's the weekend! Take yourself (and a friend) to bar, club, disco or an opening where mingling is always expected. Go out to see live music. It'll get your blood pumping and your feet moving and before you know it, you could be talking to another person whose feet are moving towards you! Go see a funny film. At least if you go home alone, you can laugh about it. The point is to get out, be seen and be active.

Gone are the days when you have to follow any other generation's dating rules. In fact, you're free to make your own rules. Basically, treat dating as an adventure and while you're at it, make an effort to look your best. Even if you're just running out to the grocery store or dropping your kids off at school. Remember, potential matches are everywhere!

Bar advice. It's never too late. There are others out there with lives unfulfilled with a partner. Dating when you're older is possible.

Stay Sexy By Eating Right.

If you don't have junk around the house, you're less likely to eat junk. If all you have is healthy food around the house, you're forced to make smart choices. Basically, it all starts with making smart choices and avoiding temptations.

Alright, so let's start with the fridge. Cottage cheese, ricotta cheese, and yogurt. You can mix cottage or ricotta cheese and yogurt together with chopped nuts and berries for a great mid-morning or mid-afternoon meal. Chopped walnuts, pecans and almonds are delicious and a great sources of healthy choices. Whole eggs, one of natures richest sources of nutrients (and remember, they increase your GOOD cholesterol so stop fearing them). Nut butters. Plain old peanut butter has gotten a little old, so get creative and mix together almond butter with sesame seed butter, or even cashew butter with macadamia butter. It's delicious and unbeatable nutrition.

Lean meats. If you're serious about a sexy, lean healthy body, these types of meats are much better for you. If you're the adventurous type try buffalo, ostrich or venison. Grass-fed steaks, burgers, and ground beef have been shown to have as high as, or even higher, levels of omega3 fatty acids than salmon. Keep in moderation is also key for all these meats.

Oat bran and steel cut oats have higher fiber than those little packs of instant oats. Cans of coconut milk has to be transferred to a container in the fridge after opening. Various antioxidant rich teas like green, oolong, white, rooibosare are some of the best. Stevia, a natural non-caloric sweetener, is an excellent alternative to the nasty chemical-laden artificial sweeteners like aspartame, saccharine, and sucrose. Organic maple syrup has none of that high fructose corn syrup and can be considered real food. Use it for post-workout smoothies to sweeten things up and also elicit an insulin surge to push nutrients into your muscles.

Raw honey is better than processed honey. There's higher quantities of beneficial nutrients and enzymes. Honey has even been proven in studies to improve glucose metabolism (how you process carbs). Use a teaspoon or so every morning in teas. Yes, it is pure sugar, but at least it has some nutritional benefits and let's be real, a teaspoon of honey is only five grams of carbs. Certainly nothing to worry about.

Whole wheat or whole grain spelt pasta has much higher fiber than normal pastas. Take brown rice and other higher fiber rice but white rice is also good. Cans of black or kidney beans too. Add a couple scoops to my Mexican wraps for the fiber and high nutrition content. Also, beans are surprisingly one of the best sources of youth promoting antioxidants. Tomato sauces are delicious and as I'm sure you've heard a million times, they are a great source of lycopene. Just watch out for the brands that are loaded with nasty high fructose corn syrup.

Add organic unsweetened cocoa powder for an extra jolt of antioxidants or make your own low-sugar hot cocoa by mixing cocoa powder into hot milk with stevia and a couple of melted dark chocolate chunks. This can be a sort of dessert but remember to walk off the meal and this dessert later on.

Lastly, another thing that's hard to go wrong with is a good variety of fresh fruits and berries. The staples such as bananas, apples, oranges, pears, peaches are good, but also be a little more adventurous and include things like yellow mangoes, pomegranates, star fruit, kumquats, pineapples, papaya, and others. Also, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, and cherries are some of the most nutrient and antioxidant dense fruits you can eat.

Bar advice. Your tastes are probably quite different but hopefully this gave you some good ideas you can use next time to stay sexy by eating right.

Reading The "Hints"

So what are the various areas of communication you should pay attention to with women? Advice for guys on talking to ladies....we can break it down to these.

Her Subtext. This means the reading the "hints" she gives amongst the jumble of words coming out of her mouth.
Her Body Language. How her body shifts, moves, rests, and leans whenever she is saying something or reacting to something. 
Eye Contact. How she maintains, or not, eye contact and various things which may happen with her eyes.
Her Actions. What she ACTUALLY has done, is doing, or will do, whether in conflict with her words or not.
Her Topics. What she talks about and how she talks about it or tells you about it.
 

Statements & Questions. What kind of statements does she make, and what kind of questions she asks.

How She Dresses. Not just WHAT she's wearing, but HOW she wears it.

Touch. How she touches and reacts to different kinds of touch.





Now here are some examples of the ways women will mis-communicate or communicate that which you should be aware of.

SUBTEXT: She may be talking about with the staff at the convenience store, but she may also be signaling the types of behaviors she finds attractive, offensive, weird, scary, or fascinating. For example, if a woman wants a caring man, wants you to know she wants a caring man and wants to know if you are a caring man, she will not just say "I want a caring man and I hope you are one." If she did, every schmuck who she tells that to will just act as if he's got that quality which actually says to her "he is just saying that and it's not real." Instead, at most she will drop it into subtext and the "better" man will be able to "read" it and capitalize. If you didn't get this first one...you're already in trouble.

BODY LANGUAGE: There is no harm in repeating what you may have already heard a few dozen times. If her body language is closed or locked up, then she's being defensive. If her body is open then she's opening up to chances. If she doesn't face you directly when talking to you, she feels higher value than you. If she points her feet at you while standing, she has some interest. If she leans in, she's interested. Leans back, she's not. If she shifts her hair away to display her neck, she is flirting. There's a lot more. A lot of this you may know or have learned already. What you need to do now is connect it to her "verbal" communications (along with subtext) and, once again, "read" the true picture.

EYE CONTACT: If she maintains eye contact, she is more likely being honest. If her eyes look away almost every time she needs to answer a question, then she's "accessing" which means she has to think about it before answering which usually means she's not being entirely honest. If she looks at you and both her eyes sort of "vibrate" a bit back-and-forth then she is some what overwhelmed by your communication or is a little distress as to how to follow through. If she mostly keeps eye contact but makes a jerking motion (turn) with her head while reacting to you then she's being shy (insecure) or may be thinking about something (maybe sexual or playful) she doesn't want you to know about. You can "read" a lot of information by casually observing all these eye things.

HER ACTIONS: Mostly you should observe a woman's actions to understand what most resembles what she is likely to actually do in the future or how she truly feels about something or someone. If she says she doesn't like men who order her around yet every one of her past boyfriends ordered her around and she only broke up with them when she "tamed" them, then clearly she is only relaying (at most), a belief in how she would "like" to be. You will be able to read that actually as certain behavior will attract her more than others, regardless of what she says. It may be best to exit that sort of relationship because trying to change someone is one of the hardest things to do. Have you ever tried changing something in your life? Hard right? Well try changing just one part of another person.

HER TOPICS: What does she talk about a lot? What kind of things draw her attention? Does she say claim to be a hippy type but always seems to talk about fashion and conservative topics? What kind of people does she talk about? What things in the news interest her? Does she even bring up anything from the news or does she exclusively talk about certain shows on prime time TV? Does subjects about helping others in need ever come up? Is she interested in the people that are suffering in third world countries or only in the tourist attractions of those countries? You can "read" a lot about her based on her common topics.

STATEMENTS & QUESTIONS: Is she critical of a lot of things or people? Does she often voice high opinions of herself or points out the lack in others? Does she claim to be better than other people in the world? Will she ask for help if she's unsure about something? Does she seek your opinion about things especially if it's something about her appearance, character, work, thoughts or insecurities? You can "read" what her opinions or doubts are. Don't forget, she could be complaining or bitching about you behind your back too.

HOW SHE DRESSES: Conservative? Casual? High Maintenance? Does the way she dress contradict anything about her? In a good or bad way? Sneakers? Skirt? Pleated pants? Does she pay attention to details and try to draw attention to herself or is she understated and low key? It's always nice to have a few good things but would you want her becoming Paris Hilton? People more materialistic tend to look down on others who lack, even if the other has a heart of gold. You can "read" her style.

HER TOUCH: Does she touch you when talking to you? Where? How often? Does she reciprocate your touches? If a woman starts touching you a lot when you talk to her then she's either really interested or really friendly. Either is pretty good. If she jumps or reacts a bit off when you touch her, then she's communicating that your vibe is not sitting well with her. What about the objects around her? If she is toying incessantly with an object, then she's nervous. If she plays with her hair while talking, she's attracted. Her manner of touch with you and the people and things around her will allow you to read her internal sensitivities of her interaction with you.

Realize you can learn a lot of this over time and what better way to learn than interacting with lots of women? Also, try this. Lets say you're in a bar or cafe. Watch the couples. You'll be able to sense the vibes of those that are together for some time, the new dating ones, those meeting for the first time and you're bound to see a cool and suave guy. In control and probably with a "hot" date. Keep observing him the most and learn.

Bar advice. Guys see women all the time every day but do we really read the hints thrown our way, be it the good and bad ones? Think about it!

Tantra | Being Sensual In The Bedroom

In our results oriented world, we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses as the old saying goes. Unfortunately our impatience with the world has even seeped into the bedroom. There's nothing wrong with a quickie, every now and then, however, a steady diet of superficial sex is bound to keep true intimacy at bay. Sex, according to those who follow the ancient practice of Tantra, is not just about reaching a climax, it can be a deeply sensual and spiritual act even without a climax. Go figure!

Exploring some of the basic elements of the heart of Tantric sex (sex that is done with your eyes open) with your partner, involves breathing together, being fully present in the moment, and basically just taking your time. Its regular practice can lead to better lovemaking, enhanced sexual communication and happier endings. Here's how it works.

Self love
A healthy dose of self respect in both partners is essential to the success of Tantra. You must feel whole and complete on your own. Once you are comfortable in your own skin (and soul) and are ready to share yourself with another, you can experience the highest level of intimacy imaginable. Do you feel resolved of your biggest issues? Are you at peace with yourself. If so, read on...

Communication
To achieve true intimacy in the bedroom, you must trust one another. The more you open up to each other in a healthy way, the more intimate you become. It may be scary at times to be so vulnerable but to achieve the "high sex" of Tantra, a high level of trust, communication and intimacy is essential. A way to achieve this is to talk to each other about your fears and desires. Remain open and understanding as you share without placing blame or judgment on each other. Doing this in the privacy of your own bedroom is the perfect setting. Singing star Sting practices this with his wife.

Ritual
You may not be vacationing in the Bali but you can still create an atmosphere that is romantic and erotic. To create ambiance, burn some incense or essential oil candles, throw pillows and blankets (in elegant fabrics) around the room or dress in silk or other tasteful lingerie. You can opt to be naked if you like. Bring your lover small tokens of your affection. A favorite flower or an old photo that reminds you of a wonderful day together. This is part of the ritual of lovemaking, according to Tantra. It's a time to relax and unwind and lose all inhibition.

Ecstasy
Learn to love your partner with your eyes, breath and touch. Truly embrace the give and take of the moment in each others presence. Breath in deeply and smell your lover. Gently stroke the inside of their arm or any other spot they find arousing. Take your time by holding off intercourse until you are highly aroused. Make it last as long as you can.

Exercise
Try this simple Tantra yogic exercise. Sit face to face, naked, with your eyes open (make sure the room is warm enough). Next, embrace each other paying close attention to each others breath until you are breathing as one. Stay this way for at least a minute or more. Eventually, pull away just enough to look into each others eyes. It sounds so simple, but don't worry if you find yourself shying away or giggling before you are able to lock eyes and take each other in fully.

Next, take time caressing each other but not in the obvious places. Massage his thighs coming close but still not touching. Caress her calves and stomach. As you slowly delve into making love, the key is to take your time and not rush to climax. By using controlled breathing and switching positions when you feel close to orgasm, you can last for hours. By practicing Tantra, when you do climax it will be a vibrational energy that resonates throughout your whole body and soul creating a true spiritual experience. This is a wonderful way to become closer than ever before to your beloved.

I've stressed this before. No one can "complete you". The movie Jerry McGuire with Tom Cruise throwing out that line was just that, a movie! The only person that can "complete you" is yourself! Once you have been able to experience this and your partner does as well, you'll find that both of you have more to give out to each other when you're being sensual in the bedroom. The energy of your Tantra practice will draw you both into each other and the sexual desires are heightened. The climax will then be explosive and you'll feel like you just ran a marathon but want to do it all over again.

Bar advice. If you're seeking help on sexuality and relationship advice, try this Tantra out. You both may just like it.