Self esteem

The book, written by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, is loaded with useful exercises that illustrate the concept and show you how to apply them to bring about change. However, you really need to do ALL of them faithfully to get results. Many people who approach this work don't want to make that kind of time investment. However, it's a book you must do and not just read to get the results required.

In short, the book looks at examining largely unconscious thoughts and unexamined assumptions about reality. It shows you how to challenge these dysfunctional beliefs and how to use compassion to look more deeply so your psychological defense mechanisms don't get in the way.

This book is for people who are really serious about seeking change. Some sections are dense with concepts and it's really a book you need to engage with in order to reap the benefits. There are lighter versions of this kind of content. However, in my experience it takes a hard push to overcome our past conditioning.

Bar advice. We are all "conditioned" from an early age that when we become adults we are not ready to face the real world and all there is in it.

Give your self esteem a boost

Self esteem is not only important in the long run. It’s necessary to be able to boost your confidence whenever you feel it starting to fade. The good news is that self esteem can be developed in you just as you can learn how to ride a bike and once you have it it’ll be there for good

How can you tell if you have low self-esteem?

• You tend to analyze yourself often.
• You fear adversity and alienated from parents/authority figures in your life.
• You rarely smile and tend to have a negative outlook.
• You feel tired often and rarely set goals for yourself.
• You’d rather be alone than meet new people.
• You have a hard time making friends.
• You don’t make eye contact with others, trouble with trust, intimacy and affection.
• You don’t take risks.
• You create negative effects and may be needy, clingy or even may fake affection.
• You engage in negative self-talk and don’t forgive yourself or others.

Giving your self-esteem a boost, and keeping it boosted for good, is well within your reach. Here are steps you need to get you there:

Let go of negative, doubtful and fearful feelings.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well and tend to your appearance. When you feel good from a physical and aesthetic perspective, you’ll have a much easier time feeling good from a mental perspective as well.

Respect others. Be truthful, fair and open-minded to those around you.

Be positive. Smile often, give compliments to yourself and others, and stop thinking negatively about yourself.

Learn to forgive and forget. This includes forgiving yourself and learning how to take responsibility.

Give thanks. Show gratitude for your life and the people in it.

Go after your goals. Figure out what it is that makes you happy in life, and make it a point to spend lots of time doing it.

Bar advice. Keep away from negative people and places. Open yourself to more positive people to surround you to reach your objectives and goals.

Venus retrograde. Love retrograde.

Poor Venus. Not only is the planet of love and beauty unhappy in nit picky Virgo, but she's retrograde. Fortunately, this happens only once every other year instead of three times a year, as with Mercury. When it does though, you sure feel it in your love life! If you can resist the tendency to criticize each other, you can take advantage of this influence to look frankly and honestly at your relationship. Is it everything you want it to be? Will it last? If you're single, what do you need to change to attract the love you desire?

The main focus, be it Venus retrograde period or not, is the relationship tolerance. If things are not going all that well don't go making things worse. There must be some issues that are below the surface that are not in sync with each other that is causing chaos in your lives.

Whether you follow the stars or astrology readings, it reflects peoples lives on a normal basis. Simply saying, we all have our ups and downs, good and bad and so on. Trouble is, are you in the bad end all the time? Is the relationship smelling sweet like roses and feels like you could live on fresh air or is it down in the dumps wear all the garbage and flies are? It pays to ensure that communication continues throughout the relationship. Just because the honeymoon is over doesn't mean that the loving should stop as well.

If you're single and with a partner, it's best for both to talk about future developments and plans of marriage instead of rushing into it. Discuss the issue of arguments and how both of you will deal with it. Being together means also working together in the relationship. It's never easy. Sometimes there's also external conflicts that pits you and your partner between each other because of family members. Certain ground rules have to be set in place.

If you want less conflict and better understanding, give time and a listening ear to the other person. It makes no sense to fight and be victorious in the battle if only to find that you loose the war of love. Ironically it makes sense and doesn't at the same time. Bottom line is, you can't all be right. Something or someone has to give. Give each other time to have their say then make a decision for one to give in but when the next time comes around, not necessarily right after; the other should be the one to give in.

It's a two way street that you can meet in the middle. Don't let other people come in between your method and wedge a rift between you. Your plan to combat arguments must be firmly set in place so the relationship is honest and the air is cleared with no anger lurking to bite you back later. When a problem is behind you, never bring it up again. Never weaken your bond towards each other.

Lastly, when you are not in a feud, remember your vows. Take yourself back to the words you said and how you felt. Singles can remember their cherished moments together. Write him/her a love note. Buy her some flowers or meet him at work for lunch. Make the conscious effort. It's a union not a competition.

Bar advice. Never go to bed angry, they say. Truth is, your bedroom should always be your sanctuary with each other. Not a battle zone.

Sexualize your relationship

Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to sexualize a woman, when it comes down to the moment of sex, a woman still shuts herself down mentally. Don’t take it personally. Most likely the woman has legitimate concerns that worry her, preventing her from sleeping with you even if she otherwise wants to.

Some women, even if highly sexualized, are extremely worried about the word getting out to their friends or family that they had sex and being labeled a “slut”. Other women are worried about catching a disease or getting pregnant but they don’t want to ask you to wear a condom for fear of being a “slut” or they don’t even think to ask. Some just fear that after you have your way you'll dump her and talk to your friends about her and she'll be out of place and embarrassed when seeing you and your friends again.

sometimes they really like you and they’re afraid that after sleeping with you, you’ll disappear from their lives and hurtful, miserable feelings will surface. They fear that by sleeping with you or take steps to sexualize your relationship, they’ll lose their power over you and they don’t want to give up that leverage. Maybe the girl might be a virgin and is simply scared of the whole unknown experience in general. Although you can’t know specifically what her particular fear is, you can preemptively address and ally her possible fears with some heart to heart talk.

Simply hold her in your arms and tell her that you always wear a condom when making love to a woman so that she trusts she won't catch an STD or get pregnant. Tell her that you look forward to waking up with her tomorrow and that you don’t want her to look back on the experience with any regrets, implying that you won’t think of her as a slut for sleeping with you and that you won’t ditch her the very next day.

Again, you’re doing some “mind reading” in your efforts to sexualize her in the hopes of addressing her particular fears but guess what, it works. A little understanding and addressing a woman's fears is often enough to make her comfortable enough to continue. She needs a little assurance before going all out. That's perfectly normal.

Guys sometimes are too excited and over ambitious to jump in the sack with a woman, even if they did'nt have any ill intentions towards her, that she becomes a little scared. Sure, all guys want to get into her pants the moment they lay eyes on her but the thing is if you're the one that got her, take it slow. Give her room to breath and wait a little for her to make a move to the sexual timing of the relationship. It will happen.

Bar advice. Women want to have sex as well. It's natural. Take a patient and understanding approach to her concerns.

Getting her number

You guys out there are lame sometimes. Getting her number is a skill set all it's own. Most throwaway phone numbers are a result of the man getting the number too fast.

First of all, if you’re at a bar and meet a girl, don’t talk to her for only five minutes and then start getting her number and leave thinking you’re going to score. After all, what’s the point of getting a phone number in the first place. It's to meet up later and continue the seduction, right?

You had her right there at the bar, right then. You could have used that opportunity to build value with her right then. You were on a “date” with her right THEN but you didn't recognize it. So getting her number so that you can meet up with her later, and walking away from the interaction in the moment is totally counterproductive and nonsensical.

Also, if you start getting her number without going through the proper preliminary steps, then yes, the girl might be digging you, but in reality you didn’t have enough social value to her for her to want to start an ongoing, dating relationship with you.

A girl who with a social value of 8 might give her number to you if she perceives you to have a social value of 6 but that doesn’t mean she’ll follow up with you. Getting her numbers is only solid when you both have the same social value. What is this social value I'm talking about? Well, it's basically a persons standard in their relationship, dating, sex, love and self confidence. Where you stand with him or her and your compatibility can pretty much be discovered if you know what to look for. It will be a waste of time if you both are not suited for each other. Break ups can be hurtful. So unless you're just looking for hot sex without strings then aim low.

Guys, building a peak social value of 10 is not easy so work hard to get there. It's not you who should be worried if you're at that peak yet but it's how she sees you that counts. Will she be interested when you meet her or when you ask for her number. As time goes on and you start to develop better interaction skills and seduction methods so just beware of one thing. Don't blow it by thinking that you can get any girl and become a arrogant jack ass. Women will drop you like a stone if they see that sort of behaviour and if word starts getting around that you're like that you will have a hard time repairing the damage.

Developing those skills and nurturing your social value is a personal responsibility. Also, in the company of other guys you will be the dominant, stand out guy there if the rest are lacking. This gives you better chances with the ladies. Women will see it very clearly even if you don't. You'll be amazed that you can get more than a phone number.

Bar advice. When you just meet a girl, stick to a game plan. The last thing on your mind should be sex just because she gave you her phone number.

True happiness

A lovely girl who I recently discovered online and revealed this blog to had asked about true happiness and my stand on it.

What is it and how to get it?(Remember this for later)

The fact that we are even looking for "true happiness" shows that we are lacking in what we don't have in our lives right now. There can be many issues that are leading us to seek for it. Some may be financial. Some depression and feelings of sadness. Others, and more commonly, the lack of a genuine partner and the feeling of being loved. Of courses there's other reasons as well.

If you've ever been in love you have this carefree, over joyous, nothing can go wrong, zest in your everyday life. It's like a volcano exploding inside you heart every time he/she calls, comes over, emails, SMS or whatever else. He/she fills your senses and emotions, including your bang, and you're in ecstasy with pleasure till it suddenly falls apart. Then what?

Out of the blue things just seem to turn around. Everything starts crumbling down on you and it seems that no one will help, let alone listen to your problems. You sob like you lost you family pet. You listen to sentimental songs over and over again. You keep asking God and yourself, why? You try to figure out what went wrong. You start to miss all the good times you had with your partner before. More fucking crying till everyone at home, including friends, stay out of your way for the next three months, and all for what? Your "true happiness" that you were after.

Where is that true happiness going to come from? Firstly, if you're hoping for it to come falling from the sky and knock you on the head, think again. Lot's of us have it preprogrammed into our heads from parents, teachers, family members, social groups and more that true happiness is something tangible or material. It really is what others see it to be and not what we desire. Somewhere down the line, from our childhood up, we were told what "true happiness" is suppose to be. When we grow up and we search for those things, it becomes the illusion that we finally see and the reality of despair from ever finding it becomes all too real.

When we are not attached to anyone, no partner and alone for some time, we firstly imagine the worst. What's going to happen to me. Ladies have the stigma of being called an "old maid" or "left on the shelf" by everyone so they get more upset than guys. Magazine companies make a killing from subscription by women trying to seek advice and topics on these things. They seem to want to find some magic answer that is eluding them because they connect being married, financially stable, children and so on as "true happiness". Talking to friends sometimes doesn't help because their worse off in that department as well or they're still in the sobbing stage themselves.

True happiness can mean different things to different people. Someone making a lot of money everyday in the stock market will say so. My brother flying to another country constantly will say so. Me making love to a gorgeous girl will say "hell yes this is happiness". Even an astronomer looking at the stars everynight will say so even if he sees the same thing daily.

What is my take, she asked? Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, everyone has a take on what true happiness is. What does it matter what mine is? Is mine more so important like how parents and teachers and so forth drilled into everyone that we don't know what it is at all and we try to achieve it only to fail because we didn't really know what it was but following what others told us it was. Does this make sense to you? The fact is we all want "true happiness". Who can give it to you? No one. It has to come from the individual to create it and manifest it into what their heart makes of it and share it with others. Take my bar advice on the matter.

Bar advice. If you ask yourself, what is it and how can you get it(remember above), the answer lies only within yourself. Nobody can give it to you. How do you feel at this moment determines your true happiness now and in the future?

Myths about our "soulmate"

Our soul is our heart. It is full of radiance. Therefore, our soul mate is someone who reflects our heart.

A man's heart is feminine and the woman who is his soul mate reflects his soul. A woman's heart is masculine and the man who is her soul mate reflects her soul. Each one feels the presence of the other inside of them as the very core of who they are. There is a deep recognition of this truth.

The painful truth is that most people have never known this inner radiance. Instead, they cling to the many myths about the soul mate relationship that are simply not true. These false beliefs need to be understood. Here are just a few.

Myth One: Many people believe that they will find their soul simply by looking, wishing, hoping and dreaming.

They feel that somehow this person will come along and make them eternally happy. This is the most naive of all the soul mate myths.

Myth Two: Others tend to rely upon how much they are attracted to another person to determine if they are their soul mate or not. The truth is that our attractions are very deceiving. The myth is that we can trust our feelings of attraction, as if our feelings are a validation of the facts. Further, the attraction you may have for someone could actually be a fatal attraction without you even realizing it. You may think a person is your soul mate, but you could simply be sexually obsessed with them.

Myth Three: Why are so many of us looking for a soul mate when we don't have any capacity for true heart intimacy? Even if our soul mate actually does appear, we become so terrified of giving our heart to them that we run 100 miles in the other direction. The unconscious myth here seems to be that we can find our soul mate without surrendering our heart.

Myth Four: Another myth is that we will recognize our soul mate if we meet them. We fail to realize that if our soul mate reflects our soul, and we are unable to feel our own inner radiance, don't really love our self or know who we are and then we will be unable to recognize him or her. In fact, you could know such a person for years without even recognizing that they are your soul mate.

The fact that this word alone; soulmate, is a distraction to the feeling that we get when finding the real love of another person. We live in a mental state of a fairy tale told by others. Possibly conversations we heard from parents or friends and even television. We place that word with such high regard that when we find someone and he/she doesn't turn out to become the soulmate we envisioned, we loose all hope of ever finding love or someone to care for us.

Bar advice. The connection of two people ready with intention and purpose of love, matrimony and family is what connects us to each other in the spirit of the soul.

America Alone

In this, his first major book, Mark Steyn, probably the most widely read, and wittiest, columnist in the English-speaking world; takes on the great poison of the twenty-first century. The anti Americanism that fuels both Old Europe and radical Islam. America, Steyn argues, will have to stand alone. The world will be divided between America and the rest; and for our sake America had better win.

Then again do they know who they are fighting? Where the countries are? Who is the enemy and who is at their side? It's only the people in government that do but the rest of them have better start learning they are not the "king of the world". Sorry that I have to take it out on the Americans but sometimes people need a wake up call. That doesn't mean that the Brits, Aussies and Europeans are not as daft as well. They live in worlds of their own and think everyone else owes them.

Bar advice. Wake up before it's too late, America. Before you can teach others, learn first and be humble.