A relationship should be like a flowing river. Fresh, moving around and finding ways around obstacles. Enjoying a relationship should never be like a still pond of water that just exists. A relationship should have life and should never be a compromise.
Many relationships become like a pond. They began like river but are now stationary wondering where to go, and whether to exist at all. They continue existing without any pleasure. The main reason is the inability of partners to face the uncertainty of breaking the relationship. How does it end up that way?
The relationship continues because the partners do not want to face the future alone. They are tired of it and worried that they will undergo more pain if they break the relationship. They neither try to refresh the relationship nor break it. There lies the heart of the matter.
What should they do? They should sit together, talk about the stagnation in the relationship, and talk about how to give it a new life. If they decide that it will not be possible, they should break up and look towards a better future. A relationship without pleasure will break up any way after some years. By that time, lot of time would have been lost and the discord would leave a very bad stamp of experience on both the partners. Better to control the disease in time.
Worst thing that can happen is if both do not solve it and one of them gets involved with someone new and the other finds out. it will feel like a betrayal even if things weren't going smoothly and the relationship was stagnant. The other will feel that there was wasted time given to the other and all kinds of psychological effects will take place. It's sad to see things like that happen to people that start out really good then change and never seem to know what to do, how to change it and not find help from others.
You got to want to be in love and make your partner fight for your love daily. Even if people have kids, they have to have that 'special' time for themselves and always have the fire burning in their hearts for each other. When children, friends and family see that, it makes them search for love inside themselves as well.
Bar advice. Love yourself. Give onto others. Help people. Be generous. Pray. It's all good, you'll see.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Pain, trust and forgiveness.
Bar advice. Getting help from family and friends will help in the healing process. Seek prfessional advice if need be but remember this. Time is a great healer too.
Love is forgiveness
Most of the lovers do not forgive their loved ones. They may forgive their sworn enemy, but they may not forgive their lover. Do you agree with me? Why is this so? It should have been exactly reverse. Somehow it's a always the case of a third party.
What is love? What do we understand by loving someone? How is love different than other relationships and emotions? In love, we give our whole mind and heart to our beloved. We try to keep our beloved most comfortable. We take care not to hurt our darling. In love, we care for each other. We are in the mood of giving in love. Giving always gives more pleasure in love than anything else. If we give things, our heart, our being, our soul, our time and more; it doesn't matter to us because we feel so cherished and want to make the other happy.
If our lover makes a mistake, shall we berate them? Shall we blame them and give them pain? Shall we hold it against them forever? Shall we call them betrayer? If we do all this then it is not love, but a business relationship. You feel you have given so much now want the truth, faithfulness and everything else in return. You feel sad and confused. What has gone wrong?
In love, we have to forgive. We have to pacify our beloved that mistakes are a way of life and everybody does them. We have to tell them not to worry and we are with them. We have to tell them to stop thinking of what happened and think of good things and try to live life joyously. But a majority of us behave in reverse. That is our failure. It was never love to begin with. If you believe that you love your partner, please learn forgiveness.
A quick story is whereby I was forgiven for flirting with another girl and her friends told her about. It was really nothing and there was no intent for anything to happen. i guess I did not consider what her feelings about it would be. She confronted me and the girl about it. Nothing really did happen but it hurt her to know that I did something of that nature. In the end we had a long talk and I apologised for what happened and for hurting her. We made up and she cried for a while but was glad that we had sorted things out.
One thing that normally happens when women find out that a guy has cheated, not in my case though, is to seek out the other woman to confront her. She does this to see with her own eyes what was so special about the other woman. Also, she wants to give her a piece of her mind. The one thing is she forgets is that the guy is a willing party to the actions taken. She should be dealing the issues with the guy instead of the other woman who may not even know that he was seeing anyone. The worst thing happens to be the lack of respect that the guy has done if he sleeps with another when he's in a relationship. There's really something lacking in the relationship if this happens. Both need to tackle the problem with great desire.
If they are a married couple or not, forgiveness can still be allowed. Why? It hurts yes but the shame and guilt has been placed on the head of the culprit. The one you love and reality are still in love with although he may have done this terrible thing. It will take time but people can work things out. If it be the girl that has made the betrayal, most men will be devastated. Professional help may be need but it can be done as well.
Bar advice. The human heart is a fragile thing but it's ability to love and forgive is great. You may not know just yet your own ability.
What is love? What do we understand by loving someone? How is love different than other relationships and emotions? In love, we give our whole mind and heart to our beloved. We try to keep our beloved most comfortable. We take care not to hurt our darling. In love, we care for each other. We are in the mood of giving in love. Giving always gives more pleasure in love than anything else. If we give things, our heart, our being, our soul, our time and more; it doesn't matter to us because we feel so cherished and want to make the other happy.
If our lover makes a mistake, shall we berate them? Shall we blame them and give them pain? Shall we hold it against them forever? Shall we call them betrayer? If we do all this then it is not love, but a business relationship. You feel you have given so much now want the truth, faithfulness and everything else in return. You feel sad and confused. What has gone wrong?
In love, we have to forgive. We have to pacify our beloved that mistakes are a way of life and everybody does them. We have to tell them not to worry and we are with them. We have to tell them to stop thinking of what happened and think of good things and try to live life joyously. But a majority of us behave in reverse. That is our failure. It was never love to begin with. If you believe that you love your partner, please learn forgiveness.
A quick story is whereby I was forgiven for flirting with another girl and her friends told her about. It was really nothing and there was no intent for anything to happen. i guess I did not consider what her feelings about it would be. She confronted me and the girl about it. Nothing really did happen but it hurt her to know that I did something of that nature. In the end we had a long talk and I apologised for what happened and for hurting her. We made up and she cried for a while but was glad that we had sorted things out.
One thing that normally happens when women find out that a guy has cheated, not in my case though, is to seek out the other woman to confront her. She does this to see with her own eyes what was so special about the other woman. Also, she wants to give her a piece of her mind. The one thing is she forgets is that the guy is a willing party to the actions taken. She should be dealing the issues with the guy instead of the other woman who may not even know that he was seeing anyone. The worst thing happens to be the lack of respect that the guy has done if he sleeps with another when he's in a relationship. There's really something lacking in the relationship if this happens. Both need to tackle the problem with great desire.
If they are a married couple or not, forgiveness can still be allowed. Why? It hurts yes but the shame and guilt has been placed on the head of the culprit. The one you love and reality are still in love with although he may have done this terrible thing. It will take time but people can work things out. If it be the girl that has made the betrayal, most men will be devastated. Professional help may be need but it can be done as well.
Bar advice. The human heart is a fragile thing but it's ability to love and forgive is great. You may not know just yet your own ability.
Expressing appreciation
One very vital way we show that our spouse is important to us is by expressing appreciation. There's a tendency to forget the good things a person does and focus on his mistakes and errors. It should be the other way round with you and your spouse. Think more about their good works and express appreciation for them more than complaining about their errors.
Women are more likely to express their feelings of lack of appreciation than men, but neither wives or husbands should be taken for granted. Some people really want their relationships to work and will do whatever is necessary to ease the difficulty of their partner.
I remember when I was trying to run a home based internet marketing and I was run off my feet maintaining the website, taking calls from customers, packaging and shipping items, responding to emails, etc. Generally all the things that go with running a internet business. I had to do all of this and still do the bar business at the same time. It was really hard work. Much harder than what I'm doing now working at the bar. Then I worked Monday to Sunday, till 4 am most times. When you're with someone as well and trying to earn money and help with finances of two people, there's a slow down in a persons appreciation level if things are not going according to plan.
At the end of a heart-felt discussion where both express their feelings about the efforts, both making to move their lives forward, people realised one thing. We don't really want to give up what we were already doing, but what we both want from the other is appreciation. The discussion should be on just realizing that love is what drives us to do things for the other and not because we have to but because we want to.
After that discussion, make more of a conscious effort to express gratitude for the things that both do. So look at your spouse and the things that they do. Focus more on their good deeds than bad ones. And then learn to say an earnest "Thank you" or "Well done". Believe me, it goes a long way.
Bar Advice. Sometimes the simplest of things can brighten your partners day. Even loving the other more when he or she realizes that their partner is doing their best in the relationship. It's never too late.
Women are more likely to express their feelings of lack of appreciation than men, but neither wives or husbands should be taken for granted. Some people really want their relationships to work and will do whatever is necessary to ease the difficulty of their partner.
I remember when I was trying to run a home based internet marketing and I was run off my feet maintaining the website, taking calls from customers, packaging and shipping items, responding to emails, etc. Generally all the things that go with running a internet business. I had to do all of this and still do the bar business at the same time. It was really hard work. Much harder than what I'm doing now working at the bar. Then I worked Monday to Sunday, till 4 am most times. When you're with someone as well and trying to earn money and help with finances of two people, there's a slow down in a persons appreciation level if things are not going according to plan.
At the end of a heart-felt discussion where both express their feelings about the efforts, both making to move their lives forward, people realised one thing. We don't really want to give up what we were already doing, but what we both want from the other is appreciation. The discussion should be on just realizing that love is what drives us to do things for the other and not because we have to but because we want to.
After that discussion, make more of a conscious effort to express gratitude for the things that both do. So look at your spouse and the things that they do. Focus more on their good deeds than bad ones. And then learn to say an earnest "Thank you" or "Well done". Believe me, it goes a long way.
Bar Advice. Sometimes the simplest of things can brighten your partners day. Even loving the other more when he or she realizes that their partner is doing their best in the relationship. It's never too late.
Celebs without Make up
Bar advice. I will still give it to Mariah Carey and Jessica Simpson. Even without the make they are hot. Don't get me wrong. This video just proves that people don't realize that celebs are normal people away from the glamour.
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Our obsession with celeb pictures
Celebrity pictures have graced our walls, minds and hearts since well before the massive popularity of the World War II pin up girls that so many GI's took with them and "pinned up" on the drab, barrack walls. During this time, movie stars such as Betty Grable and Rita Hayworth were wearing what was considered at the time to be the scantily clad attire of a one piece swimsuit, or a somewhat low-cut, bikini or full length evening gown.
Many historians believe the start of the celebrity icon picture infatuation in America began with the 1887 debut of the "Gibson Girl", when the mere thought of a woman's bare ankles were enough to send anyone to an afterlife of damnation. This passion continued into the new century, straight through the roaring twenties with the infamously sexy "Flapper Girl". The years following the stock market crash of 1929 were somber in more ways than one, but great prosperity followed these depressing years, including the latest, more revealing pin up girls and celebrity pictures and photos of the 1950's.
Before the inception of the World Wide Web, our celebrity fascinations were limited to magazine pictures, purchased posters, and collectible shoppes. But now, we can access the latest photos of our favorite stars instantaneously, with just a click of a mouse (and maybe the help of a search engine or celebrity site).
Since then, the glamour of Hollywood has tightened its hold on us, for the beauty that these icons represent goes unmatched by anyone that we come in contact with on a day to day basis. We've all heard the stories of plastic surgeries and eating disorders, drug use and abuse, not to forget about the on again/off again romances that grace the covers of the supermarket tabloids, yet our obsessions continue. For example, Britney Spears has had her once sparkling image dragged through the mud by the very same media that made her a superstar. Her personal life, including her marriage and motherhood tactics leave a foul taste in our mouths, but she is still one of the most sought after celebrities, with her name constantly on the top searches across the internet for pictures and information.
A picture or photo of our favorite celebrity can bring much needed joy to any of us, even if it's only for a moment or two. If looking at such a photo or illustration can put a smile on our face and get us through a crazy, hectic, new millennium day, then there really seems to be no harm in looking at one of a million celebrity pictures out there. After all, the pictures we long to see are just a click away.
One bad thing that comes out of all this is more to the female side than to males. What is it? Anorexia and Bulimia. Lots of the girls seem to think that it is the way to go. They look so much to the magazines and tabloids and don't know that sometimes these celebs get operations or check themselves into clinics to get better from some bad situation themselves. We get so obsessed with them that we want to believe that they live a fairy tale life. Worst is we want to be them. It's fine to watch and read but to follow...well then make yourself a star.
Bar advice. Like Oprah Winfrey said " Lead your best life". make that happen and you'll be a star in your own right.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Finding relief from an abusive relationship.
When the two of you are taking your vows of marriage, saying “I do”, the thought that the relationship would seriously deteriorate probably never crossed your minds. That is a day of happiness for you, thinking you had each found your soul mate.
But the one thing about life is that change is inevitable. If a couple is able to change at the same time and in the same direction as life circumstances change, the change can be a good thing and keep your relationship healthy. But if you each change separately and/or in different directions, there are going to be problems. One of the biggest problems is that a once loving relationship turns into an abusive relationship.
The word “abusive” does not necessarily mean physical violence. (Although it can be that, and at that point the local authorities and police department via the domestic violence department can lend a needed hand) but abuse can also happen in other ways, sometimes very subtle way.
One partner may take every opportunity to verbally abuse the other, whether in private or even in public like at office parties. These little cuts and defamation's all add up, until the person who is saying them eventually starts to believe them, and the person who is the brunt of the cruel joke also starts to believe that they are stupid or not worthy, causing a severe lowering of their own self-esteem.
Counseling, as quickly as possible, is the best answer. But that depends on both parties being willing to attend the counseling sessions. If only one partner attends the counseling sessions, the session will not be effective in terms of resolving the problem, but may indeed start to turn into topics of whether or not divorce is the answer. There is no rule of thumb to determine if divorce is the real answer, even though that would be a pretty drastic move. At the same time, you need to realize that if your paths in life have diverged significantly from where they were when you were at the point of your marriage vows, there is a decent chance that it is unlikely that your paths may ever converge again, unless both of you take drastic steps to make that happen. And like with the counseling sessions, this is something that both of you need to work on, since just one of you will be unable to make changes that will accommodate both of you. It is a two way street.
If counseling is not an option, perhaps because of cost or perhaps because one of the two people is unwilling to attend counseling, then the two people need to sit down in a quiet place without distractions and talk it out. Communication, really effective communication between two people can take a relationship to tremendous heights if it can be done effectively, where the “ground rules” clearly indicate there will be no yelling, no blaming, and the goal is to come to a common meeting place as far as what direction you both need to take to get to where you want to be.
One very good method is to have two sets of relatives or friends who are married as well that can be called on anytime to come to the rescue if abuse is happening. They will be able to help and advise both of you and it helps them not to have the same problems as well. It also gives the troubled couple an outlet from hurting the other. When people see others in need it helps them to be better involved in their marriage as well because they have will have first hand encounters with people that have the problem. It makes them and their relationship better. Those that just get married should learn from others and find ways to help those in need as it will strengthen themselves.
Sometimes the couple needs to consider whether divorce is an option. Divorce is not something you enter into on a whim, it is a huge step especially if there are children, yet sometimes a step that needs to be seriously considered. Seek proper help first to change things and not give in without a fight.
Bar advice. A abusiveness relationship is not something you need to put up with, nor is it something that you need to tolerate. Before things get really serious, get good advice from your religious leaders, parents, relatives and close married friends. This will help settle yourselves to understand the sacrifice needed for it to work.
But the one thing about life is that change is inevitable. If a couple is able to change at the same time and in the same direction as life circumstances change, the change can be a good thing and keep your relationship healthy. But if you each change separately and/or in different directions, there are going to be problems. One of the biggest problems is that a once loving relationship turns into an abusive relationship.
The word “abusive” does not necessarily mean physical violence. (Although it can be that, and at that point the local authorities and police department via the domestic violence department can lend a needed hand) but abuse can also happen in other ways, sometimes very subtle way.
One partner may take every opportunity to verbally abuse the other, whether in private or even in public like at office parties. These little cuts and defamation's all add up, until the person who is saying them eventually starts to believe them, and the person who is the brunt of the cruel joke also starts to believe that they are stupid or not worthy, causing a severe lowering of their own self-esteem.
Counseling, as quickly as possible, is the best answer. But that depends on both parties being willing to attend the counseling sessions. If only one partner attends the counseling sessions, the session will not be effective in terms of resolving the problem, but may indeed start to turn into topics of whether or not divorce is the answer. There is no rule of thumb to determine if divorce is the real answer, even though that would be a pretty drastic move. At the same time, you need to realize that if your paths in life have diverged significantly from where they were when you were at the point of your marriage vows, there is a decent chance that it is unlikely that your paths may ever converge again, unless both of you take drastic steps to make that happen. And like with the counseling sessions, this is something that both of you need to work on, since just one of you will be unable to make changes that will accommodate both of you. It is a two way street.
If counseling is not an option, perhaps because of cost or perhaps because one of the two people is unwilling to attend counseling, then the two people need to sit down in a quiet place without distractions and talk it out. Communication, really effective communication between two people can take a relationship to tremendous heights if it can be done effectively, where the “ground rules” clearly indicate there will be no yelling, no blaming, and the goal is to come to a common meeting place as far as what direction you both need to take to get to where you want to be.
One very good method is to have two sets of relatives or friends who are married as well that can be called on anytime to come to the rescue if abuse is happening. They will be able to help and advise both of you and it helps them not to have the same problems as well. It also gives the troubled couple an outlet from hurting the other. When people see others in need it helps them to be better involved in their marriage as well because they have will have first hand encounters with people that have the problem. It makes them and their relationship better. Those that just get married should learn from others and find ways to help those in need as it will strengthen themselves.
Sometimes the couple needs to consider whether divorce is an option. Divorce is not something you enter into on a whim, it is a huge step especially if there are children, yet sometimes a step that needs to be seriously considered. Seek proper help first to change things and not give in without a fight.
Bar advice. A abusiveness relationship is not something you need to put up with, nor is it something that you need to tolerate. Before things get really serious, get good advice from your religious leaders, parents, relatives and close married friends. This will help settle yourselves to understand the sacrifice needed for it to work.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Parenting your teenager
Does this sound familiar? "What ever happened to that sweet little kid we used to have a few years ago?" Teens can be difficult, and this should not be surprising, considering all the changes during adolescence that they go through. You will need to up the ante on your patience to be able to cope with them.
Even though you were once a teenager, and may have been difficult to your parents, it still takes a lot of effort to understand what your teen is going through. It will be your responsibility to bridge the communication gap between you and your child.
This is not always easy, and you will have to do your best during two crucial periods in your child's life. Adolescence and young adulthood. Your children will need all the guidance and understanding you can provide. Communication and understanding, during these sometimes trying times, may very well set the tone for the life decisions your child will make.
Here are a few tips that should help with teen parenting bonding issues:
1. Learn What Your Teen Enjoys
When your teen was a child, finding things to do was a snap. But, as they grow into their teens, you will have to work extra hard to learn about what your teens like. It may not be easy, but being able to relate to your teens likes and dislikes is integral to building an open and meaningful relationship with your child.
Remember, to be a good parent, you also have to be a good friend.
2. Being Strict Is Not A Bad Thing
Most teenagers bristle at rules and restrictions. They feel that they are old enough to take care of themselves. The invincible syndrome. While this is partially true, teens still have a need for restrictions. With new found freedoms, and desires; they could very well hurt themselves if they do not restrain themselves responsibly. Make your teen understand that he or she will be given greater freedom, but with greater freedom they must develop greater responsibility, and accountability. Freedom without responsibility is useless.
Make sure you help your teen learn to plan ahead. You do not have to plan it for them; just help guide them to make good decisions on their own.
3. Communicate Daily
Daily communication is important in keeping the channels of concern open. You teen will be more inclined to confide in you if you engage in daily conversation. Confiding in someone takes some practice and some trust. This can only be build by meaningful relationships that are facilitated by good communication. Learning to understand the world your teen lives in will put you in a better position to not only gain their trust, but to have a greater understanding of their overall behavior.
Daily communication will show your teen that you care for them. This is a very important teen parenting factor, since teens will feel more comfortable with parents that are actively involved with them. In the absence of parental involvement, teens may turn to unreliable peers when looking for guidance, or comfort. It is very important for a teens parents to provide the guidance and caring they require.
Another important thing that you can do is to get your teen to bring his or her friends home. Get to know them and be a second parent to the friends but not meddling and looking over their shoulders all the time. This way you know who they are and what is going on in your kids life and who he or she mixes with. Girls and boys will have different needs and need different approaches.
Bar advice. By the time he or she grows into a young adult and may be off to college or university, you would at least have a relationship with them and hopefully , even with new found freedom, the values, love and self pride and dignity makes them better people in society. At the same time it puts your mind at ease as well.
Even though you were once a teenager, and may have been difficult to your parents, it still takes a lot of effort to understand what your teen is going through. It will be your responsibility to bridge the communication gap between you and your child.
This is not always easy, and you will have to do your best during two crucial periods in your child's life. Adolescence and young adulthood. Your children will need all the guidance and understanding you can provide. Communication and understanding, during these sometimes trying times, may very well set the tone for the life decisions your child will make.
Here are a few tips that should help with teen parenting bonding issues:
1. Learn What Your Teen Enjoys
When your teen was a child, finding things to do was a snap. But, as they grow into their teens, you will have to work extra hard to learn about what your teens like. It may not be easy, but being able to relate to your teens likes and dislikes is integral to building an open and meaningful relationship with your child.
Remember, to be a good parent, you also have to be a good friend.
2. Being Strict Is Not A Bad Thing
Most teenagers bristle at rules and restrictions. They feel that they are old enough to take care of themselves. The invincible syndrome. While this is partially true, teens still have a need for restrictions. With new found freedoms, and desires; they could very well hurt themselves if they do not restrain themselves responsibly. Make your teen understand that he or she will be given greater freedom, but with greater freedom they must develop greater responsibility, and accountability. Freedom without responsibility is useless.
Make sure you help your teen learn to plan ahead. You do not have to plan it for them; just help guide them to make good decisions on their own.
3. Communicate Daily
Daily communication is important in keeping the channels of concern open. You teen will be more inclined to confide in you if you engage in daily conversation. Confiding in someone takes some practice and some trust. This can only be build by meaningful relationships that are facilitated by good communication. Learning to understand the world your teen lives in will put you in a better position to not only gain their trust, but to have a greater understanding of their overall behavior.
Daily communication will show your teen that you care for them. This is a very important teen parenting factor, since teens will feel more comfortable with parents that are actively involved with them. In the absence of parental involvement, teens may turn to unreliable peers when looking for guidance, or comfort. It is very important for a teens parents to provide the guidance and caring they require.
Another important thing that you can do is to get your teen to bring his or her friends home. Get to know them and be a second parent to the friends but not meddling and looking over their shoulders all the time. This way you know who they are and what is going on in your kids life and who he or she mixes with. Girls and boys will have different needs and need different approaches.
Bar advice. By the time he or she grows into a young adult and may be off to college or university, you would at least have a relationship with them and hopefully , even with new found freedom, the values, love and self pride and dignity makes them better people in society. At the same time it puts your mind at ease as well.
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