I recently met up with a girl at a friends bar and we got into conversation about her boyfriend going overseas to study. Now going abroad is suppose to be fun and exciting especially since you're not going just for a short vacation. So, where's the problem here?
The relationship. What do you do? How is someone suppose to just end everything that they know or use to do with the person that they love or been going with for a long time? The relationship didn't die or even end at all but worse than that, it's on "hold". At the drop of a hat the person staying back surely must feel worse because they still see the same places they use to go to or remembers the things they did when seeing a loving couple on the street. Not to say that the one that left is not going to feel like that but because there's new and exciting stuff to do and see, don't expect them to be sobbing like you every night. Sad but true.
To be happy for the person is mixed with the feelings of sadness as well. Sometimes there may be the feelings and thoughts of a break up. This is normal. After all what can't be seen, can't be proven. There's thousands of miles between the two of you. It can get pretty lonely. Suspecting someone of betrayal is not proof that they did anything and you come across as someone that has no trust for the person you're involved with. Don't go down that path if you got nothing. You'll only be spear heading a break up itself. Unless he/she opens their mouth about a third party, you should have nothing to worry about. Maybe.
I once metthis girl, a customer, at my bar who was out almost every night with this guy. They were studying their Masters degree on a exchange programme for students. I believed that they were together because of all the fun, craziness and sexuality that they showed each other. However, just before she left, her real boyfriend came over for a holiday to be together with her and go back together. The other guy was nowhere to be seen but he did appear a week later, alone. I was told that it was just a fling that she instigated and it just flew from there. Well sometimes this sort of thing can happen. Not that it can't but you got to find trust in people somehow.
Back to this girl I met. She seemed down about the whole thing so I kept her company. She was with a few other girlfriends but it didn't seem to help. It's always good to get some moral support when in this sort of circumstances. She seemed more keen on getting my opinion as a guy about the whole thing. This guy had been gone for eight months now. All the calls and emails seem to have slowed down and sometimes there wasn't anything with big time gaps. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I really thought she lost him and it was going to be over soon. She said she was thinking about going over for a visit but I advised her against this. I told her it was a bad idea. I was personally thinking, if he's already involved with someone and if she went over unannounced, she'd be in store for a rude awakening. If you're in a far off land and know nobody, you might just think of the worse things to do to heal a broken heart.
We talked and drank. She kind of liked me, I guess. After a while she looked better. I think it's because she missed having a guy to talk to in a bar. Maybe it gave her some comfort or memories that she played out in her head that brought some peace. Maybe it was just some male company that she needed because she would lean into me during the conversation and blamed it on the not so loud music. I've been through that myself a long time ago so I understood her emotions and insecurities about what her guy was doing over there and what she was going through here. Also, the urges and craving of wanting to be touched, held, kissed or made love to in a long time, it's like a prison sentence given and you didn't do the crime yet you're paying with tears.
Eventually as the night went on, we talked about exchanging numbers. Her friend works at the bar so I said no because I knew I could always find her through the friend. So, no numbers given. We did have a good time and I believe she felt much better. She told me that she'd come around more often if I was there, gave me a quick hug and as I expected, a quick kiss on the lips. Pulling away, she had a big smile on her face as she thanked me for being her listening ear and shoulder to cry on. She left after and I got a lot of teasing from her friend about her. What do they know?
I see her love life going down the tubes. The relationship is almost over. The guy really should call her and tell her so. Making someone wait in limbo is wrong. Is he intending to just come back and dump her later? As a guy I tell you what he's up to. At the moment he's just keeping his options open in case the one over there doesn't work out in the end, then he's got someone to return to. Pretend that it was all because of the studies and exams that made things like that. She'll accept the flimsy excuse and go back with him and; worse of all, believe his bleeding heart story about how much he loves her and missed her when he was over there. She'll believe every word and he'll get her back. It's like committing murder and not getting caught. She'll just be so overjoyed that he's back that she'll have a brain freeze about everything else done. Damn, I should have exchanged numbers, f%&ked her myself.
Bar advice. I can always find her but the point is, it may or may not happen that way. It will be too late when he gets back in over two years time. We can't see what the future holds for us but sometimes we should take up the offer of what's here and now itself in front of us in the present.
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Sunday, December 16, 2007
Making love, best valentines ever.
This video is a small flick done to probably show two people wanting to be together and being in love. Making love, best Valentines ever, seems to be the appropriate period for what you can see in the video on You Tube.
Bar advice. If only it could be that easy in real life. It could if we just clear all our high expectations and kept it to simple things like love.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
20 minute naps
Thomas Edison hardly slept at all, except in 20-minute naps. Mark Twain was noted for his insomnia, but was always dozing off at public functions. So what's the relationship or the secret between 40 winks of nap time and a person's creativity?
Scientists have proven in recent years that the human body requires only as much sleep as the brain will allow it. In other words, so long as the brain is functioning at full capacity, there's no great requirement for sleep. The big thing is that the brain needs a rest every now and then, and apparently, the brain can refresh itself and go on "like with a full tank of gas" with just a short, 20 minute nap.
Regardless of all the relaxation techniques that are popular today, sleep is still the most refreshing and healthful relaxation of all to most people. Even so, the quick 40 winks between appointments or meetings can refresh and rejuvenate almost anyone as much as 8 hours of sleep.
Throughout history, busy, pressured men have all shared in the ability to take a break from whatever the problems of the moment were, in order to refresh themselves with a short nap. For problem solvers, trouble-shooters, writers and other people doing creative or intellectual work, the benefits of a short 20 minute nap can be similar to a transfusion of blood plasma.
These short 20 minute naps for people who are really engrossed in their work, almost always provide a fresh burst of new ideas and energy. They tend to eliminate the need for caffeine boosts during the workday. And, they guarantee a reserve of energy so that the working day isn't followed by an evening in which he falls asleep on the couch watching TV or at a social event.
To take advantage of the mental rejuvenation benefits inherent in a 20 minute nap, all you need is an uninterrupted 20 minutes. If you're working in an office, take your phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall plug. Hang a sign on your door and instruct your secretary that you're not to be disturbed for 20 minutes. A couch to lie down on would be fine, but if you've not got a couch handy, simply stretch out on the floor.
When you lie down to take a nap, you should loosen your shoes, your belt and your tie. Basically, it's best if you lie on your back and cross your arms across your chest.
You shouldn't concentrate on it, nor worry about falling asleep. First off, you'll be resting and that alone will give you the new energy you need. If your brain needs a rest as well, you'll soon fall asleep.
It's all right to think about specific business problems while you're still in the resting stage, but you must not allow yourself to get up and deal with them if answers come to you before your 20 minute nap period is up. As much as you can, you should try to direct your thoughts to non work ideas while you're resting. In other words, you might think about the things you intend to do when you get home from work.
You might mentally play a round of golf on your favorite course. Imagine watching your golf swing and correcting your problems. Besides relaxing you, these reveries provide the extra dividend of actually helping you to improve you own skills. mental preparation accounts for a great deal of one's skill in sports, and this kind, which you accomplish while you're relaxing, can pay off big time. Learn to ignore whatever noises there are and just tell yourself that these are noises of the atmosphere and do not relate to you. See them as a part of your environment, and not as irritants.
To be sure that you wake up at the end of 20 minutes, set an alarm or tell your secretary to wake you at the end of your rest period. Once you've practiced settling down and resting for 20 minutes at a time, you'll be able to wake yourself just before the alarm goes off or your secretary rouses you.
Attempting to sleep for 30 minutes or even an hour, will leave you feeling groggy rather than refreshed. There is nothing wrong however, with taking several 20 minute naps at different intervals throughout an especially long or tiring workday. The important thing to remember is that you can gain new energy and new creativity by resting and napping when you feel low on energy or as if you're running out of ideas.
As you awaken from your nap, you should lie still for a minute or two then stretch and breathe deeply. Take your time in getting up. Adjust your clothing and take a drink of water to get your system going again. Then, return to work, starting with simple chores such as opening letters or organizing the work you have to do. Within just a few minutes you should feel full of energy and able to handle any problem as it comes up.
With practice you'll be able refresh and rejuvenate your entire mental system with a short 20 minute nap. The important thing is to recognize when you need one to handle the problems at hand, and then to avail yourself of them. Total relaxation, complete physical and mental rest, and then a whole new burst of energy and creativity as the result.
Bar advice. Give it a try for yourself and see if you aren't amazed at the results.
Scientists have proven in recent years that the human body requires only as much sleep as the brain will allow it. In other words, so long as the brain is functioning at full capacity, there's no great requirement for sleep. The big thing is that the brain needs a rest every now and then, and apparently, the brain can refresh itself and go on "like with a full tank of gas" with just a short, 20 minute nap.
Regardless of all the relaxation techniques that are popular today, sleep is still the most refreshing and healthful relaxation of all to most people. Even so, the quick 40 winks between appointments or meetings can refresh and rejuvenate almost anyone as much as 8 hours of sleep.
Throughout history, busy, pressured men have all shared in the ability to take a break from whatever the problems of the moment were, in order to refresh themselves with a short nap. For problem solvers, trouble-shooters, writers and other people doing creative or intellectual work, the benefits of a short 20 minute nap can be similar to a transfusion of blood plasma.
These short 20 minute naps for people who are really engrossed in their work, almost always provide a fresh burst of new ideas and energy. They tend to eliminate the need for caffeine boosts during the workday. And, they guarantee a reserve of energy so that the working day isn't followed by an evening in which he falls asleep on the couch watching TV or at a social event.
To take advantage of the mental rejuvenation benefits inherent in a 20 minute nap, all you need is an uninterrupted 20 minutes. If you're working in an office, take your phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall plug. Hang a sign on your door and instruct your secretary that you're not to be disturbed for 20 minutes. A couch to lie down on would be fine, but if you've not got a couch handy, simply stretch out on the floor.
When you lie down to take a nap, you should loosen your shoes, your belt and your tie. Basically, it's best if you lie on your back and cross your arms across your chest.
You shouldn't concentrate on it, nor worry about falling asleep. First off, you'll be resting and that alone will give you the new energy you need. If your brain needs a rest as well, you'll soon fall asleep.
It's all right to think about specific business problems while you're still in the resting stage, but you must not allow yourself to get up and deal with them if answers come to you before your 20 minute nap period is up. As much as you can, you should try to direct your thoughts to non work ideas while you're resting. In other words, you might think about the things you intend to do when you get home from work.
You might mentally play a round of golf on your favorite course. Imagine watching your golf swing and correcting your problems. Besides relaxing you, these reveries provide the extra dividend of actually helping you to improve you own skills. mental preparation accounts for a great deal of one's skill in sports, and this kind, which you accomplish while you're relaxing, can pay off big time. Learn to ignore whatever noises there are and just tell yourself that these are noises of the atmosphere and do not relate to you. See them as a part of your environment, and not as irritants.
To be sure that you wake up at the end of 20 minutes, set an alarm or tell your secretary to wake you at the end of your rest period. Once you've practiced settling down and resting for 20 minutes at a time, you'll be able to wake yourself just before the alarm goes off or your secretary rouses you.
Attempting to sleep for 30 minutes or even an hour, will leave you feeling groggy rather than refreshed. There is nothing wrong however, with taking several 20 minute naps at different intervals throughout an especially long or tiring workday. The important thing to remember is that you can gain new energy and new creativity by resting and napping when you feel low on energy or as if you're running out of ideas.
As you awaken from your nap, you should lie still for a minute or two then stretch and breathe deeply. Take your time in getting up. Adjust your clothing and take a drink of water to get your system going again. Then, return to work, starting with simple chores such as opening letters or organizing the work you have to do. Within just a few minutes you should feel full of energy and able to handle any problem as it comes up.
With practice you'll be able refresh and rejuvenate your entire mental system with a short 20 minute nap. The important thing is to recognize when you need one to handle the problems at hand, and then to avail yourself of them. Total relaxation, complete physical and mental rest, and then a whole new burst of energy and creativity as the result.
Bar advice. Give it a try for yourself and see if you aren't amazed at the results.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Holidays and today
You are most likely dealing with holiday rush at the moment and are probably feeling a bit stressed with the added responsibilities, activities, and expectations of the season. That's why I want to focus on the topic of holidays. Holidays are opportunities for us to celebrate cultural, communal, and personal occasions such as historical events, spiritual practices, ancestry, community, family, co-workers, loved ones, and much more.
These times, which are primarily associated with happy feelings and pleasant activities, are important to us. They help us to celebrate life! However, the downside of holidays is that we limit our celebration of gifts, flowers, and special declarations of friendship and love to those dedicated days of the year only! Isn't it worthwhile to celebrate life with people on a daily basis?
My question is, why do we have to wait for a holiday in order to honor our life and those we share it with? Why not send flowers or give that special gift to someone you care about just because you feel like it? How about sending a friendly card or cheerful email to someone you are close with or someone you want to reach out to? You could take a moment to say hello or smile at someone on the street or someone you come in contact with? These personal moments can be very enriching for all involved even when it's not the holiday period.
Remember also that it's not just all those nice "things". Meeting up with someone, taking time to go visit someone, catching up with old friends or being attentive to your busy partners needs can be just as important. Your special someone needs you to be the thoughtful and considerate being all year round. Sometimes hard to juggle but doing more places you in better light.
However, taking the time to make your daily life special shouldn't be limited to just doing something nice with others. It is equally important for you to do something nice for yourself on a regular basis, whether it's a walk in the park or a long hot bath, a spa treatment or even just a break from thinking about daily worries and stress. The time you spend treating yourself well will give you a happier, healthier, and more peaceful outlook.
I hope that all this will help you to put the current holiday craziness into perspective. After all, this time should be about togetherness, giving, and rejoicing but let's remember that we don't have to wait for a set occasion to do this. You can do something special for yourself and for someone around you any time you feel the need. We all deserve the benefits of a festive holiday, any day, any time the spirit moves us.
Bar advice. The holidays and today can be the same thing rolled into one. May this help you to obtain peace of mind and heart and to light the holiday spirit in your life for yourself and those around you.
These times, which are primarily associated with happy feelings and pleasant activities, are important to us. They help us to celebrate life! However, the downside of holidays is that we limit our celebration of gifts, flowers, and special declarations of friendship and love to those dedicated days of the year only! Isn't it worthwhile to celebrate life with people on a daily basis?
My question is, why do we have to wait for a holiday in order to honor our life and those we share it with? Why not send flowers or give that special gift to someone you care about just because you feel like it? How about sending a friendly card or cheerful email to someone you are close with or someone you want to reach out to? You could take a moment to say hello or smile at someone on the street or someone you come in contact with? These personal moments can be very enriching for all involved even when it's not the holiday period.
Remember also that it's not just all those nice "things". Meeting up with someone, taking time to go visit someone, catching up with old friends or being attentive to your busy partners needs can be just as important. Your special someone needs you to be the thoughtful and considerate being all year round. Sometimes hard to juggle but doing more places you in better light.
However, taking the time to make your daily life special shouldn't be limited to just doing something nice with others. It is equally important for you to do something nice for yourself on a regular basis, whether it's a walk in the park or a long hot bath, a spa treatment or even just a break from thinking about daily worries and stress. The time you spend treating yourself well will give you a happier, healthier, and more peaceful outlook.
I hope that all this will help you to put the current holiday craziness into perspective. After all, this time should be about togetherness, giving, and rejoicing but let's remember that we don't have to wait for a set occasion to do this. You can do something special for yourself and for someone around you any time you feel the need. We all deserve the benefits of a festive holiday, any day, any time the spirit moves us.
Bar advice. The holidays and today can be the same thing rolled into one. May this help you to obtain peace of mind and heart and to light the holiday spirit in your life for yourself and those around you.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Bringing her over
Bringing her over once you're ready is a little hard. Guys that live with parents are going to make her feel uncomfortable if she has to go over. It's already awkward with you as an individual.
Now remember this. Have your place ready for a lady. This doesn't mean you need some insane "hip hop star" love pad with the potion of seduction enveloping every little item and cranny. What this means is you need your place presentable at every moment. Do you have old socks or pizza boxes hanging around? Would you bring a girl back to your pad, given its current state? If the answer is no, you need to work on that spatial hygiene. Now you don't need to be able to eat off the floor, but you do need your bathroom to not repel with its smell, your floor to be visible, and your general organization to be a cut above other guys she's been with.
Go too far and you look a bit like a neat freak but that's far better than looking like a slob. The worst stereotype about neat men is they aren't interested in ladies and hopefully, you'll be able to prove to your targeted woman that isn't true within a few moments. However, if you manage to elicit a lady's disgust factor (everyone has theirs, although generally, the closer you get to the toilet, the higher the risk) you can ruin a night's worth of work. So, take the time. Keep your place clean. Always. You never know when opportunity will present itself. Be a boy scout and be ready. If you have a small place it's a bit easier. Hopefully this girl is not so materialistic but just wants you for who you are.
Be clean in every way take care of your own hygiene. You'd be surprised how often bad breath is the date breaker. In fact, an offending smell is one of the most unattractive things known to humanity. Chances are at some time or other in your own past it ended what would have been a beneficial connection. So, considering we lose any sense or our own scent very quickly, it's best to play it safe. Assume you smell awful, and take the necessary precautions. Have a bath. Bring along some sort of breath saver. If you sweat, wash, and if you can't wash, deodorize. Aftershave, used in moderation can be a Godsend. Basically don't have any reeking smell in the house or with yourself. Being a woman she understands you're a "guy" and that will happen but she can't stand a guy not bothering to make some effort to help himself.
As far as fashion goes, you don't need to be straight off a Paris runway. In fact, unless you have talent in this area, simple is the best way to keep it. A nice pair of slacks and a plain black shirt is plenty as long as you wear it with confidence. Flashier things can get some attention but before putting them on you want to be sure it isn't the wrong kind. Simple is fine. Really. Just look clean and fresh and you'll have no problems.
Create the attraction, be playful and fun and extend your time. This can mean getting a number or email, shifting your locale, or any of a million other things. The main purpose here is not to bring a woman to bed, but merely to attract her. All you need be concerned with is getting her interested enough that she wants to spend more time with you. Best to do it with your relaxed and playful attitude, but if time is short, just get a number with little more than confident politeness. Don't worry about what comes later. Just get her interested in you to begin. Lead her in some direction in your life. This can happen at the same time, or at a later date.
If things are going well at this point you can shift quickly into physical contact, but at the least you should start introducing familiarities like hand holding and relaxed touching. You're building to a later point here, so don't try to take more than is being offered. You'll get turned down and likely lose a number of points and digging yourself into a deep hole. Just concentrate on establishing and strengthening your connection here. Again, that should be your only priority. If you really want to sleep with this girl, fine. That comes later. Stay focused on your contact with the lady. The rest will follow successfully. You got to first make sure the lady is into you. What do you do then? BRING HER HOME.
Her place or yours. Whichever works with the seed you've created earlier. Once you get her there, don't rush things. She's already basically said she's interested in going further, but push too fast or you'll turn her off and undo all the good you did earlier. Instead, take your time here. In fact, if you wait just a little bit longer than she's comfortable with, or play hard to get yourself, that's even more powerful. Turn up the heat all you need now is the transition to physical connection. If she starts heating up as well then you're on your way (you lucky dog) for some hot sex that night. You can probably tell because she'll be moaning or making some sexual sounds at every touch. Take that as calls from her to come in and that it's alright with her.
Bar advice. Bringing her over can be a job all in itself but the reward is if she stays the night(sex and all) you can blame the mess in the house on her as well.
Now remember this. Have your place ready for a lady. This doesn't mean you need some insane "hip hop star" love pad with the potion of seduction enveloping every little item and cranny. What this means is you need your place presentable at every moment. Do you have old socks or pizza boxes hanging around? Would you bring a girl back to your pad, given its current state? If the answer is no, you need to work on that spatial hygiene. Now you don't need to be able to eat off the floor, but you do need your bathroom to not repel with its smell, your floor to be visible, and your general organization to be a cut above other guys she's been with.
Go too far and you look a bit like a neat freak but that's far better than looking like a slob. The worst stereotype about neat men is they aren't interested in ladies and hopefully, you'll be able to prove to your targeted woman that isn't true within a few moments. However, if you manage to elicit a lady's disgust factor (everyone has theirs, although generally, the closer you get to the toilet, the higher the risk) you can ruin a night's worth of work. So, take the time. Keep your place clean. Always. You never know when opportunity will present itself. Be a boy scout and be ready. If you have a small place it's a bit easier. Hopefully this girl is not so materialistic but just wants you for who you are.
Be clean in every way take care of your own hygiene. You'd be surprised how often bad breath is the date breaker. In fact, an offending smell is one of the most unattractive things known to humanity. Chances are at some time or other in your own past it ended what would have been a beneficial connection. So, considering we lose any sense or our own scent very quickly, it's best to play it safe. Assume you smell awful, and take the necessary precautions. Have a bath. Bring along some sort of breath saver. If you sweat, wash, and if you can't wash, deodorize. Aftershave, used in moderation can be a Godsend. Basically don't have any reeking smell in the house or with yourself. Being a woman she understands you're a "guy" and that will happen but she can't stand a guy not bothering to make some effort to help himself.
As far as fashion goes, you don't need to be straight off a Paris runway. In fact, unless you have talent in this area, simple is the best way to keep it. A nice pair of slacks and a plain black shirt is plenty as long as you wear it with confidence. Flashier things can get some attention but before putting them on you want to be sure it isn't the wrong kind. Simple is fine. Really. Just look clean and fresh and you'll have no problems.
Create the attraction, be playful and fun and extend your time. This can mean getting a number or email, shifting your locale, or any of a million other things. The main purpose here is not to bring a woman to bed, but merely to attract her. All you need be concerned with is getting her interested enough that she wants to spend more time with you. Best to do it with your relaxed and playful attitude, but if time is short, just get a number with little more than confident politeness. Don't worry about what comes later. Just get her interested in you to begin. Lead her in some direction in your life. This can happen at the same time, or at a later date.
If things are going well at this point you can shift quickly into physical contact, but at the least you should start introducing familiarities like hand holding and relaxed touching. You're building to a later point here, so don't try to take more than is being offered. You'll get turned down and likely lose a number of points and digging yourself into a deep hole. Just concentrate on establishing and strengthening your connection here. Again, that should be your only priority. If you really want to sleep with this girl, fine. That comes later. Stay focused on your contact with the lady. The rest will follow successfully. You got to first make sure the lady is into you. What do you do then? BRING HER HOME.
Her place or yours. Whichever works with the seed you've created earlier. Once you get her there, don't rush things. She's already basically said she's interested in going further, but push too fast or you'll turn her off and undo all the good you did earlier. Instead, take your time here. In fact, if you wait just a little bit longer than she's comfortable with, or play hard to get yourself, that's even more powerful. Turn up the heat all you need now is the transition to physical connection. If she starts heating up as well then you're on your way (you lucky dog) for some hot sex that night. You can probably tell because she'll be moaning or making some sexual sounds at every touch. Take that as calls from her to come in and that it's alright with her.
Bar advice. Bringing her over can be a job all in itself but the reward is if she stays the night(sex and all) you can blame the mess in the house on her as well.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Breaking up at the holiday period
For couples, the romantic pressure can be intense. If that romance and happiness isn't truly felt, then staying together just for the sake of the holidays can feel dishonest and a breakup may be the best course in the long run .
For those suffering heart break during the season of peace, love and joy, there are ways to do it gracefully. It's not going to be painless for either party, but by preparing yourself and doing your best to preserve your dignity and your partner's, you can get through it. Here's some ways.
Arrange for a time when you know you won't be disturbed and a quiet place to meet. Do not choose a public place. Respect your partner's dignity by meeting with them in a location where they can be free to express their emotions. Just doing it on the phone is not a good way. The face to face way tells them that you're sorry it isn't working out.
Let your partner know ahead of time there is something important you want to talk about, so they'll be able to psychologically prepare.
It's good to begin with or include the positives of the relationship. Let your partner know what their good qualities are and how being with them has enriched your life. Telling them the truth is best. Also, tell them the reason for not continuing with the relationship.
Don't play the blame game. When explaining your reasons for breaking it off, try to phrase the issues in terms of what your needs are as opposed to what your partner lacks or hasn't done. Hopefully, you will already have discussed these issues, so they won't come as a total surprise to the other person.
In the same vein, take responsibility for your own shortcomings. Perhaps point out that you need time to work on them as well. Getting involved with someone then breaking it off is unfair to the person that was sincere in their intentions.
Being a good listener will help you immensely during this difficult moment. Expect that there will be strong emotions and possibly even accusations. Try not to react (after all, you're the one who is doing the breaking up). Just listen.
Accept that you may not be able to make things right with your partner in one sitting. It's good to set a time limit beforehand, so that you don't get sucked into an all-nighter, but be open to further conversations down the line. Be kind, considerate and gentle.
Consider in advance whether you yourself will need extra support, and what kind of support that would be.
Although you may be breaking off the relationship, this doesn't necessarily mean that you are henceforward cutting off all contact with the person. If you've been seeing someone for a relatively short time, it may take just one more short conversation. If there are possessions to split, it could take weeks and if there are children involved, it could take many months or even years.
In addition, because it's the holiday season, the person may still feel the need to speak with you after the split to work through things. Let compassion be your guide during this sensitive time. It's important to be open to some continued contact, but try to keep a time limit on conversations. While you want to do your best to help your partner move on, you have to move on, too.
I certainly hope a breakup is not on your wish-list this holiday season, but if it is, strength tempered with respect and kindness are the qualities that will sustain you and hopefully allow both you and your partner a fresh start in the New Year.
Bar advice. Breaking things off is hard but because you may not be sure of yourself may drive you to it. Sometimes it leads people back together when they take a back step and return.
For those suffering heart break during the season of peace, love and joy, there are ways to do it gracefully. It's not going to be painless for either party, but by preparing yourself and doing your best to preserve your dignity and your partner's, you can get through it. Here's some ways.
Arrange for a time when you know you won't be disturbed and a quiet place to meet. Do not choose a public place. Respect your partner's dignity by meeting with them in a location where they can be free to express their emotions. Just doing it on the phone is not a good way. The face to face way tells them that you're sorry it isn't working out.
Let your partner know ahead of time there is something important you want to talk about, so they'll be able to psychologically prepare.
It's good to begin with or include the positives of the relationship. Let your partner know what their good qualities are and how being with them has enriched your life. Telling them the truth is best. Also, tell them the reason for not continuing with the relationship.
Don't play the blame game. When explaining your reasons for breaking it off, try to phrase the issues in terms of what your needs are as opposed to what your partner lacks or hasn't done. Hopefully, you will already have discussed these issues, so they won't come as a total surprise to the other person.
In the same vein, take responsibility for your own shortcomings. Perhaps point out that you need time to work on them as well. Getting involved with someone then breaking it off is unfair to the person that was sincere in their intentions.
Being a good listener will help you immensely during this difficult moment. Expect that there will be strong emotions and possibly even accusations. Try not to react (after all, you're the one who is doing the breaking up). Just listen.
Accept that you may not be able to make things right with your partner in one sitting. It's good to set a time limit beforehand, so that you don't get sucked into an all-nighter, but be open to further conversations down the line. Be kind, considerate and gentle.
Consider in advance whether you yourself will need extra support, and what kind of support that would be.
Although you may be breaking off the relationship, this doesn't necessarily mean that you are henceforward cutting off all contact with the person. If you've been seeing someone for a relatively short time, it may take just one more short conversation. If there are possessions to split, it could take weeks and if there are children involved, it could take many months or even years.
In addition, because it's the holiday season, the person may still feel the need to speak with you after the split to work through things. Let compassion be your guide during this sensitive time. It's important to be open to some continued contact, but try to keep a time limit on conversations. While you want to do your best to help your partner move on, you have to move on, too.
I certainly hope a breakup is not on your wish-list this holiday season, but if it is, strength tempered with respect and kindness are the qualities that will sustain you and hopefully allow both you and your partner a fresh start in the New Year.
Bar advice. Breaking things off is hard but because you may not be sure of yourself may drive you to it. Sometimes it leads people back together when they take a back step and return.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Year end
As the year comes to an end every time, we all get caught up in the festivities and the last load of work that our bosses are asking us to do so we can finish the work load for the year. We also got a ton of stuff that we need to do as well. The weather doesn't help the problem as well.
Year end is also a time that we look back and see what we did in our lives. Did we change in some way? Are we happier? Did we make the relationship any better? Is everything alright in the family? Should I have gotten involved with that person? Am I loved? There's so many things that we can ask and by the time it hits Christmas we can also ask if we've been naughty or nice. Probably the actual last thing you could possibility asking yourself would be, "what resolutions will I be making this year that I won't keep?"
This time of the year we also look at the relationship that we have or beginning to have. Those already involved would look back and see if it can still stand the test of time. Others just beginning their relationships are probably guessing what their partners are feeling at this point of time toward them. Normally people are in a joyous mood so things are likely to be pleasant. Sometimes you got to meet the parents for the first time and sometimes it's dreading to meet them if you've been married for the last twenty years. It can be torny when it's the holidays.
Those really single or just met someone are either trilled or scared of what might happen. People just feel all soft and fuzzy inside and they don't want any drama. Especially if it means having their heart broken. Women don't realize that men are just as afraid as they are but they don't quite show it. Nonetheless, at this time of the year, they too need to feel good about themselves and mostly wanted and not alone. Change can sometimes be a good thing.
Not knowing sometimes can be scary but avoiding issues and playing the safe card is not the way to live life. Reflecting on years gone by, one has to ask themselves," do I want to be in someone else life"? Can it happen for me? Don't I too deserve happiness? What am I so worried about? The answers can only come from your heart.
Bar advice. The year end puts a strain on those that are alone mostly. There's a sense of isolation from the joys of what's happening which sometimes, sadly, leads to suicide.
Year end is also a time that we look back and see what we did in our lives. Did we change in some way? Are we happier? Did we make the relationship any better? Is everything alright in the family? Should I have gotten involved with that person? Am I loved? There's so many things that we can ask and by the time it hits Christmas we can also ask if we've been naughty or nice. Probably the actual last thing you could possibility asking yourself would be, "what resolutions will I be making this year that I won't keep?"
This time of the year we also look at the relationship that we have or beginning to have. Those already involved would look back and see if it can still stand the test of time. Others just beginning their relationships are probably guessing what their partners are feeling at this point of time toward them. Normally people are in a joyous mood so things are likely to be pleasant. Sometimes you got to meet the parents for the first time and sometimes it's dreading to meet them if you've been married for the last twenty years. It can be torny when it's the holidays.
Those really single or just met someone are either trilled or scared of what might happen. People just feel all soft and fuzzy inside and they don't want any drama. Especially if it means having their heart broken. Women don't realize that men are just as afraid as they are but they don't quite show it. Nonetheless, at this time of the year, they too need to feel good about themselves and mostly wanted and not alone. Change can sometimes be a good thing.
Not knowing sometimes can be scary but avoiding issues and playing the safe card is not the way to live life. Reflecting on years gone by, one has to ask themselves," do I want to be in someone else life"? Can it happen for me? Don't I too deserve happiness? What am I so worried about? The answers can only come from your heart.
Bar advice. The year end puts a strain on those that are alone mostly. There's a sense of isolation from the joys of what's happening which sometimes, sadly, leads to suicide.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Influence
We live in a world where one thing can effect the other. Like global warming. The weather may be bad in one part of the world but it effects us because we will either get it just as bad if not worse. Also, when bad weather hits some place it may effect the food chain and so that becomes another problem that effects us. Same thing goes with people in different situations in their love lives and relationships.
Can someone telling you that they don't see a future in you be a little devastating especially after you took so much time and effort to find out more about them? It's like a cyclone hitting you out of nowhere. When someone decides that they are no longer interested or that they have other people that they want to see or pursue, it's a little sad when you don't know what the core issues really are that made the person not want to be with you anymore. Sometimes it's not your fault at all but the other persons insecurities, faults, low self esteem and a tendency for self destructive behaviour in a relationship.
Getting relationship advice can help but if you get it out of a store magazine that's printed monthly and some columnist is giving you stuff that they believe is true, forget it. They just need to fill the pages. Getting good sound information from real people, true life experiences and those that understand your fears and anxieties is far better than anything else out there. Of course you can see a psychiatrist but if you reveal that to the other person they'll really think you're nuts. So, how are you influenced?
Being influenced by others that are either not involved or that don't really know or understand the issues can make the whole thing blow up. Listening to others or following the opinion of what you have read in girly magazines or the internet sites can make things worse. What if you could dig out the answers to what your partner is all about? Wouldn't that help? If you could figure out what makes them tick it will make things easier. Are you going to let the past influence what you do now and in the future? Every person is different. Finding out is party of the experiences that we go through in life. Working around difficulties and set ways may just be the liberating key that you have been looking for.
Making plans about how your life should work out and all is good but life sometimes throws us a curve ball. We may get into an accident, lose a family member suddenly, get really sick, lose our job and so on. Sometimes the person we never dreamt about as being with may just turn out to be the best thing you'll ever get in this life. Being with someone can outweigh all the material possessions in the world. Loving someone and being loved can break all barriers and fears.
Bar advice. The spice of life is like having champagne and caviar but champagne can go really well with strawberries as well. It brings out what's nice about the chanpagne. You never know what is compatible till you tried.
Can someone telling you that they don't see a future in you be a little devastating especially after you took so much time and effort to find out more about them? It's like a cyclone hitting you out of nowhere. When someone decides that they are no longer interested or that they have other people that they want to see or pursue, it's a little sad when you don't know what the core issues really are that made the person not want to be with you anymore. Sometimes it's not your fault at all but the other persons insecurities, faults, low self esteem and a tendency for self destructive behaviour in a relationship.
Getting relationship advice can help but if you get it out of a store magazine that's printed monthly and some columnist is giving you stuff that they believe is true, forget it. They just need to fill the pages. Getting good sound information from real people, true life experiences and those that understand your fears and anxieties is far better than anything else out there. Of course you can see a psychiatrist but if you reveal that to the other person they'll really think you're nuts. So, how are you influenced?
Being influenced by others that are either not involved or that don't really know or understand the issues can make the whole thing blow up. Listening to others or following the opinion of what you have read in girly magazines or the internet sites can make things worse. What if you could dig out the answers to what your partner is all about? Wouldn't that help? If you could figure out what makes them tick it will make things easier. Are you going to let the past influence what you do now and in the future? Every person is different. Finding out is party of the experiences that we go through in life. Working around difficulties and set ways may just be the liberating key that you have been looking for.
Making plans about how your life should work out and all is good but life sometimes throws us a curve ball. We may get into an accident, lose a family member suddenly, get really sick, lose our job and so on. Sometimes the person we never dreamt about as being with may just turn out to be the best thing you'll ever get in this life. Being with someone can outweigh all the material possessions in the world. Loving someone and being loved can break all barriers and fears.
Bar advice. The spice of life is like having champagne and caviar but champagne can go really well with strawberries as well. It brings out what's nice about the chanpagne. You never know what is compatible till you tried.
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