Talking about sex, again!

The roots of the widespread human insecurities and complexities which revolve around what is in essence a simple animal act reach into our not so past history. Victorian attitudes to sex persisted long into the last century.

A man in the first half of the 20th century who wanted sex with a 'nice' girl usually had to pay a price, marriage. Whilst today's bride or bridegroom will have an average of 10 sexual partners before tying the knot, back then the score was more often than not, zero. While marriage avowedly passported couples to sexual union, women and men in the 1920s and even later, still found themselves going up the aisle with a wealth of information about etiquette but stricken with poverty over the facts of life.

Virgin marriages were apparently created first out of sexual ignorance but later continued as such out of disgust for or fear of sex. Uncertainties over sexual orientation prompted others to wed, but the official blessing did not always magically translate into personal sexual fulfilment within marriage.

Fear of getting pregnant was another strong motivating factor not to go the whole way. Couples wanted to limit the number of mouths to feed. In the absence of reliable methods of contraception, withdrawal before coitus and abstinence were the reasons behind why birth rates plummeted in the 20th century and many families produced only the 'standard' two children.

Sexless marriages seem not to be confined to the pre-modern era. Celibacy in marriage as a matter of informed consent by both partners is rare but has happened. Some seem to be content to be known as someone married but not do what normal married partners do. For many couples during the last century, the sexless nature of marriage was at the insistence of the wife and was deemed a price too high to pay for many husbands. The links between sexual frustration and violence sadly seem obvious, if not inevitable.

Sexual violence also grew out of these power imbalanced relationships, incidents being triggered by a wife's refusal to give sex on demand. Men insisted on their conjugal rights and women were helpless at law to defend themselves. Marital rape was only recently created a crime and few cases were ever reported but times were, thankfully moving on, and women were soon seizing some of that power back, at work, at home and in the bedroom.

Then came the swinging sixties. Women fought loudly to cast off the shackles of domestic burdens and sexual repression, to discover and celebrate their own sexual wants and desires. Gay people came out of their closets too. Flower power buzzed with Beatlemania. The early flowerings of greater openness about our bodies and their needs. For example, women meeting together to examine their vagina's with mirrors can all too easily be dismissed as uncool by the generations born since 1970 but compared with the repressive chill which froze sexual energy in the first half of the century, this was joyous release. An atmosphere sizzling with sexual heat and alive with experimentation.

So, are we all sorted out now? For many people, both women and men, their personal experiences of the pleasures of sex and intimacy don't live up to the sex feasts supposedly on offer. When sexual abundance seems to be all around, it's hard to admit you're hungry even more so if you're starving for it whilst in a marriage or in a relationship, with its official blessing of sex, or other long term sexual partnership. Some people have fear in letting their own pleasure and enjoyment become a cheap and demeaning event in their lives or their self worth that they stop all activity at once. They tend to take a step back leaving their partners to question what they did wrong or why it isn't going any further and also why it ended. There's also the feeling of lost of self worth and unfounded worry about what the other person thinks about them especially if it doesn't work out. This strongly happens to those in the later part of their lives.

If it's something else, talking can help. Make sure that you do actually have the space and time to talk. Think about the setting and how you can create real time for each other. Importantly is to get together in the first place. It's not going to end up into a steamy sex night but loosening up a little, giving in to your needs and your partner a little should be a start. Holding hands, kisses, hugs or just a touch more should be acceptable in this modern age. What is it that you want less or more of? It's good to have moral standards on things but what if it gets in the way of your love interest? Some people like to be traditional but if you're going back a century remember we're in a new millennium.

Bar advice. Welcome to the era where talking about sex and acting out on the passion of making love is not new and not looked at as a degrading characteristic to anyone but three cheers to those that wait till marriage.

Holiday's we're "Chasing Bars"

Here is a You Tube video showing what we may be doing this Christmas and New Year. It's a really humorous copy of the music and song, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, that was a worldwide hit from the show Grey's Anatomy. Here is the funny song, Chasing Bars, by DCLugi.



Bar advice. Chasing bars or cars isn't as fun as chasing boys or girls. Have fun this holiday time chasing what you need.

Are you looking forward to Christmas

That's the big question on a lot of people's minds. Are you looking forward to Christmas? The reply can vary but you'll be amazed by some of the answers. On of course is when someone lives in a desolate place or his country is not a large Christian community. The response would probably be, "what is Christmas"?

The sad thing is that it is true there will be a lot of people that would have gone through the whole day and not realize that Christmas had passed them. Take for example a man ploughing his field in India somewhere. He may have heard some commotion but never knew about the day. If you asked him he would probably tell you the Christmas is when he gets to feed his family and buffalo an extra portion of food.

Funny thing is we got a lot of people here also that don't seem to get into the whole spirit of the holidays. There's no real "cheer" in them. Sure, money is a problem but this is just one day. Your money problems were throughout the year. Don't blame it on that. Sometimes health issues play a part. Fair, but is it too difficult to pray for your own health. Not in the same religion. Now this we can understand but wouldn't you like others to also be happy during your holiday period? There's a lot of excuses but we got answers for them as well. Nobody can force you but the advice is yours to be taken freely.



In the homes we find some families have difficulties with brothers or fathers being in gangs or drugs. It's hard to keep a nice family unit together. There may be some that have distance themselves form religion because they may have had a tragedy like a member of the home died suddenly or terribly. Blame is placed and so on. Some blame God for their failed marriages or divorce which involves the kids. They don't seem to see themselves as a factor in the problem. Neither do the see Jesus as a solution.

I don't normally write about religion but because there's been so much bloodshed, war and major national disasters around the world, I thought I should add something in black and white and in turn it may just touch someone. That someone may reconcile and head back to church or at least make their life better. Blaming God for all the things that we do out of fear, stupidity and greed is not going to change anything.

One last point. The holidays effect a lot of people that are having relationship problems. Those that are not even talking, living under the same roof and have kids; really ought to sort it out. Why make yourself and all unhappy on this day that's suppose to be about peace and joy. You're an idiot! This is the time to work out old pains, hurts and anger with those we love or know. Put the children first. Be a kid for a day. Make yourself Santa and see peoples eyes light up at the sheer sight of you. This should be the way daily. Men and women making excuses about their relationship issues should remember that we're thought to forgive and be merciful to each other. Take that first step to a happy Christmas.


Bar advice. The bar itself should have a bit of eggnog and people being happy to celebrate the big guys birthday.

Life Support, Dr Rudi's advice on women

This is just poking a little bit of fun to some real dating advice. In real life so,e may work but not all. Some advice on this You Tube video is the real deal.



Bar advice. Some people need visuals to assist so happy watching.

Going overseas to study

I recently met up with a girl at a friends bar and we got into conversation about her boyfriend going overseas to study. Now going abroad is suppose to be fun and exciting especially since you're not going just for a short vacation. So, where's the problem here?

The relationship. What do you do? How is someone suppose to just end everything that they know or use to do with the person that they love or been going with for a long time? The relationship didn't die or even end at all but worse than that, it's on "hold". At the drop of a hat the person staying back surely must feel worse because they still see the same places they use to go to or remembers the things they did when seeing a loving couple on the street. Not to say that the one that left is not going to feel like that but because there's new and exciting stuff to do and see, don't expect them to be sobbing like you every night. Sad but true.

To be happy for the person is mixed with the feelings of sadness as well. Sometimes there may be the feelings and thoughts of a break up. This is normal. After all what can't be seen, can't be proven. There's thousands of miles between the two of you. It can get pretty lonely. Suspecting someone of betrayal is not proof that they did anything and you come across as someone that has no trust for the person you're involved with. Don't go down that path if you got nothing. You'll only be spear heading a break up itself. Unless he/she opens their mouth about a third party, you should have nothing to worry about. Maybe.

I once metthis girl, a customer, at my bar who was out almost every night with this guy. They were studying their Masters degree on a exchange programme for students. I believed that they were together because of all the fun, craziness and sexuality that they showed each other. However, just before she left, her real boyfriend came over for a holiday to be together with her and go back together. The other guy was nowhere to be seen but he did appear a week later, alone. I was told that it was just a fling that she instigated and it just flew from there. Well sometimes this sort of thing can happen. Not that it can't but you got to find trust in people somehow.

Back to this girl I met. She seemed down about the whole thing so I kept her company. She was with a few other girlfriends but it didn't seem to help. It's always good to get some moral support when in this sort of circumstances. She seemed more keen on getting my opinion as a guy about the whole thing. This guy had been gone for eight months now. All the calls and emails seem to have slowed down and sometimes there wasn't anything with big time gaps. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I really thought she lost him and it was going to be over soon. She said she was thinking about going over for a visit but I advised her against this. I told her it was a bad idea. I was personally thinking, if he's already involved with someone and if she went over unannounced, she'd be in store for a rude awakening. If you're in a far off land and know nobody, you might just think of the worse things to do to heal a broken heart.

We talked and drank. She kind of liked me, I guess. After a while she looked better. I think it's because she missed having a guy to talk to in a bar. Maybe it gave her some comfort or memories that she played out in her head that brought some peace. Maybe it was just some male company that she needed because she would lean into me during the conversation and blamed it on the not so loud music. I've been through that myself a long time ago so I understood her emotions and insecurities about what her guy was doing over there and what she was going through here. Also, the urges and craving of wanting to be touched, held, kissed or made love to in a long time, it's like a prison sentence given and you didn't do the crime yet you're paying with tears.

Eventually as the night went on, we talked about exchanging numbers. Her friend works at the bar so I said no because I knew I could always find her through the friend. So, no numbers given. We did have a good time and I believe she felt much better. She told me that she'd come around more often if I was there, gave me a quick hug and as I expected, a quick kiss on the lips. Pulling away, she had a big smile on her face as she thanked me for being her listening ear and shoulder to cry on. She left after and I got a lot of teasing from her friend about her. What do they know?

I see her love life going down the tubes. The relationship is almost over. The guy really should call her and tell her so. Making someone wait in limbo is wrong. Is he intending to just come back and dump her later? As a guy I tell you what he's up to. At the moment he's just keeping his options open in case the one over there doesn't work out in the end, then he's got someone to return to. Pretend that it was all because of the studies and exams that made things like that. She'll accept the flimsy excuse and go back with him and; worse of all, believe his bleeding heart story about how much he loves her and missed her when he was over there. She'll believe every word and he'll get her back. It's like committing murder and not getting caught. She'll just be so overjoyed that he's back that she'll have a brain freeze about everything else done. Damn, I should have exchanged numbers, f%&ked her myself.

Bar advice. I can always find her but the point is, it may or may not happen that way. It will be too late when he gets back in over two years time. We can't see what the future holds for us but sometimes we should take up the offer of what's here and now itself in front of us in the present.

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Making love, best valentines ever.

This video is a small flick done to probably show two people wanting to be together and being in love. Making love, best Valentines ever, seems to be the appropriate period for what you can see in the video on You Tube.

Bar advice. If only it could be that easy in real life. It could if we just clear all our high expectations and kept it to simple things like love.

20 minute naps

Thomas Edison hardly slept at all, except in 20-minute naps. Mark Twain was noted for his insomnia, but was always dozing off at public functions. So what's the relationship or the secret between 40 winks of nap time and a person's creativity?

Scientists have proven in recent years that the human body requires only as much sleep as the brain will allow it. In other words, so long as the brain is functioning at full capacity, there's no great requirement for sleep. The big thing is that the brain needs a rest every now and then, and apparently, the brain can refresh itself and go on "like with a full tank of gas" with just a short, 20 minute nap.

Regardless of all the relaxation techniques that are popular today, sleep is still the most refreshing and healthful relaxation of all to most people. Even so, the quick 40 winks between appointments or meetings can refresh and rejuvenate almost anyone as much as 8 hours of sleep.

Throughout history, busy, pressured men have all shared in the ability to take a break from whatever the problems of the moment were, in order to refresh themselves with a short nap. For problem solvers, trouble-shooters, writers and other people doing creative or intellectual work, the benefits of a short 20 minute nap can be similar to a transfusion of blood plasma.

These short 20 minute naps for people who are really engrossed in their work, almost always provide a fresh burst of new ideas and energy. They tend to eliminate the need for caffeine boosts during the workday. And, they guarantee a reserve of energy so that the working day isn't followed by an evening in which he falls asleep on the couch watching TV or at a social event.

To take advantage of the mental rejuvenation benefits inherent in a 20 minute nap, all you need is an uninterrupted 20 minutes. If you're working in an office, take your phone off the hook or disconnect it from the wall plug. Hang a sign on your door and instruct your secretary that you're not to be disturbed for 20 minutes. A couch to lie down on would be fine, but if you've not got a couch handy, simply stretch out on the floor.

When you lie down to take a nap, you should loosen your shoes, your belt and your tie. Basically, it's best if you lie on your back and cross your arms across your chest.

You shouldn't concentrate on it, nor worry about falling asleep. First off, you'll be resting and that alone will give you the new energy you need. If your brain needs a rest as well, you'll soon fall asleep.

It's all right to think about specific business problems while you're still in the resting stage, but you must not allow yourself to get up and deal with them if answers come to you before your 20 minute nap period is up. As much as you can, you should try to direct your thoughts to non work ideas while you're resting. In other words, you might think about the things you intend to do when you get home from work.

You might mentally play a round of golf on your favorite course. Imagine watching your golf swing and correcting your problems. Besides relaxing you, these reveries provide the extra dividend of actually helping you to improve you own skills. mental preparation accounts for a great deal of one's skill in sports, and this kind, which you accomplish while you're relaxing, can pay off big time. Learn to ignore whatever noises there are and just tell yourself that these are noises of the atmosphere and do not relate to you. See them as a part of your environment, and not as irritants.

To be sure that you wake up at the end of 20 minutes, set an alarm or tell your secretary to wake you at the end of your rest period. Once you've practiced settling down and resting for 20 minutes at a time, you'll be able to wake yourself just before the alarm goes off or your secretary rouses you.

Attempting to sleep for 30 minutes or even an hour, will leave you feeling groggy rather than refreshed. There is nothing wrong however, with taking several 20 minute naps at different intervals throughout an especially long or tiring workday. The important thing to remember is that you can gain new energy and new creativity by resting and napping when you feel low on energy or as if you're running out of ideas.

As you awaken from your nap, you should lie still for a minute or two then stretch and breathe deeply. Take your time in getting up. Adjust your clothing and take a drink of water to get your system going again. Then, return to work, starting with simple chores such as opening letters or organizing the work you have to do. Within just a few minutes you should feel full of energy and able to handle any problem as it comes up.

With practice you'll be able refresh and rejuvenate your entire mental system with a short 20 minute nap. The important thing is to recognize when you need one to handle the problems at hand, and then to avail yourself of them. Total relaxation, complete physical and mental rest, and then a whole new burst of energy and creativity as the result.

Bar advice. Give it a try for yourself and see if you aren't amazed at the results.

Holidays and today

You are most likely dealing with holiday rush at the moment and are probably feeling a bit stressed with the added responsibilities, activities, and expectations of the season. That's why I want to focus on the topic of holidays. Holidays are opportunities for us to celebrate cultural, communal, and personal occasions such as historical events, spiritual practices, ancestry, community, family, co-workers, loved ones, and much more.

These times, which are primarily associated with happy feelings and pleasant activities, are important to us. They help us to celebrate life! However, the downside of holidays is that we limit our celebration of gifts, flowers, and special declarations of friendship and love to those dedicated days of the year only! Isn't it worthwhile to celebrate life with people on a daily basis?

My question is, why do we have to wait for a holiday in order to honor our life and those we share it with? Why not send flowers or give that special gift to someone you care about just because you feel like it? How about sending a friendly card or cheerful email to someone you are close with or someone you want to reach out to? You could take a moment to say hello or smile at someone on the street or someone you come in contact with? These personal moments can be very enriching for all involved even when it's not the holiday period.

Remember also that it's not just all those nice "things". Meeting up with someone, taking time to go visit someone, catching up with old friends or being attentive to your busy partners needs can be just as important. Your special someone needs you to be the thoughtful and considerate being all year round. Sometimes hard to juggle but doing more places you in better light.

However, taking the time to make your daily life special shouldn't be limited to just doing something nice with others. It is equally important for you to do something nice for yourself on a regular basis, whether it's a walk in the park or a long hot bath, a spa treatment or even just a break from thinking about daily worries and stress. The time you spend treating yourself well will give you a happier, healthier, and more peaceful outlook.

I hope that all this will help you to put the current holiday craziness into perspective. After all, this time should be about togetherness, giving, and rejoicing but let's remember that we don't have to wait for a set occasion to do this. You can do something special for yourself and for someone around you any time you feel the need. We all deserve the benefits of a festive holiday, any day, any time the spirit moves us.

Bar advice. The holidays and today can be the same thing rolled into one. May this help you to obtain peace of mind and heart and to light the holiday spirit in your life for yourself and those around you.