Sunday, November 4, 2007

What happened to the sex?

What happened to the sex? Over time, without careful attention, sex can become routine and then fade from a relationship, sometimes altogether. Consider that the average couple has sex once a week. How does that bode for the slightly below average, or worse, those on the bottom of the fulfilling sex life scale?

While doing it less than ten times a year is the "technical" qualification for a celibate relationship, the reality is, if you're concerned about the infrequency of sex in your pairing, it's time to address the issue before it gets too late.

Sex is a normal, healthy part of human existence despite societal hang ups and prudishness. Intolerance for sexuality, sexual desire and sexual preference is ignorant and shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the human body. That doesn't mean anyone who has hang ups about sex is bad or wrong. We live in a culture that simultaneously demonizes and glorifies all things sex related. As such, it's no wonder so many of us are confused about the acceptability of our urges and what sex should truly be.

We do have to consider religious views of this subject but most people don't have a problem with sex. Certain things may be taboo but the individual has to want sex with their partner. If you want to have a healthy relationship, one that is satisfying for both partners and complete in its scope, it's time to face your issues and work through them or move on. Sex is the glue that holds a romantic love relationship together. Period. Take it away and when the tough times come, it'll be a whole lot harder to stand up together and power through them. It'll also be a lot harder to remain amicable and avoid resentment. We're human beings and when we're healthy, we need sex. It's actually good for us.

So what do you do if you're in a sex free relationship? As with most things in life, it's crucial to come to a place of understanding. If you look back over the time you've been with your partner, can you place where the sex stopped? Was it simple and clear cut or was it gradual? Was it the result of sexual differences or the product of a series of stressful situations. Did one or the other of you decide you "just didn't feel like it," until that became the status quo? These things tend to happen to married couples more but it can also happen to singles especially those that have been together for a long time. If the fire of making love is dwindling, you better do something soon.

You should consider how long you've been together. Monotony between the sheets is pretty common in a long term relationship or marriage and the investment is such that it's worthwhile to put in the effort to fix things. But if you've only been together a few months and you find yourself looking elsewhere or not looking at all, how much is it really worth to turn things around? Can that even be done? Is it possible you're just not the right match? It's hard to face, but it happens. Chemistry is complicated and you can't beat yourself up for that. You can simply address the issue and move on. While it may be tough in the moment, when you're in a successful, physically intimate and fulfilling relationship down the road, you'll know you made the right decision.

Whatever answers thoughtful analysis brings you, it's also vital not to blame yourself or your partner. Relationships are a two way street and both of you may have allowed this behavior to continue. That said, accepting responsibility for your role in the situation may do a lot toward remedying it, if that's what you both want to do. If you can approach your partner with an honest apology for your part in letting things get to this point, they're going to be more likely to reciprocate and to work with you to get things back on track in the bedroom. However, understand this, if you're not having sex, the problems most likely extend beyond the closed doors of your boudoir.

While it's possible that your sex free zone has arisen out of physical problems (if you or your partner are experiencing prolonged diminished desire, it's worthwhile to speak to a doctor), these situations often present a chicken or the egg conundrum. In other words, did you stop feeling desire first or did something happen to decrease your desire? No matter the situation, only you can decide if or when it's time to leave. Many sexual problems can be resolved with effort and dedication. There are some schools of thought that say "fake it til you make it" and the desire will come back. How you choose to handle it is up to you but remember this, accepting less than what you want in a relationship sends the sign that you're willing to settle and a lifetime without sex is a whole lot more compromise than it's worth.

Bar advice. Making love with someone you're in love with is suppose to be the best there is and cannot be expressed into words what the heart is feeling. If you don't have this feeling, you're in trouble.

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1 comment:

Jie Xuan said...

I'm a Christian and I totally agree with what you say in this part, especially the Bar Advice.